My Story of Twenty Years of Domestic Abuse

This is a story, my words, my thoughts and my feelings which I write to help free myself. I hope this will become part of my healing. It’s about me and only me. My abuser will have a different story, a different version of events, a different perspective but this is my journey, the drama I found myself in, the facts I felt and lived through.

I know now that I am beautiful, kind, warm, friendly, generous and passionate and I don't find that so difficult to believe now. I know most people like me. I am usually happy and I know I am intelligent, creative, clever and inspirational and I find that believable today. But back then I was none of those things…to both him and myself. None of you will believe what happened to me and that I allowed it to happen. The misery and desperation I went through every day deep inside on a physical, an emotional and sexual level was completely devastating. It much easier to write this now having fled and where healing has begun. But healing has been a very slow process, unlike the abuse.

Over a 20 year period, I had come to believe that I was unintelligent and worthless; that I would never be anything or anybody. All I ever wanted was to be loved deeply by the most important person in my life – my husband but sadly this was not to be. I wanted so desperately to be loved unconditionally by him. I simply wanted happiness; not a lot to ask for one would think. I realise now that with this man this was impossible.

I had lived the first half of my life with an emotionally abusive father and went on to marry a mentally abusive man. Both men were extremely clever, intelligent and held senior professional positions in the workplace; both were workaholics. Both were arrogant and had huge egos, were always right and were very controlling. Both of them made me feel that I was difficult to live and deal with and that they were the victims having to put up with me. They both made me feel I was not good enough for them and never would be. I always felt second class and never accepted for the good in me. it wasn’t until much later in life that I realised subconsciously I had mirrored my father in my husband. 
  

Most people are aware of physical abusers, hitting and beating their victims because outwardly bruises and black eyes are visible. But we have to remember there are other abusers, the silent and unseen types, slowly chipping away at their victim's self-esteem and confidence, playing with the psyche and wearing them down mentally and emotionally.  Abusers wear many hats and come from many different backgrounds, they all have different tactics, all extremely damaging to their victim and abusers do not necessarily look like abusers – whatever an abuser is supposed to look like.

My abuser was well spoken and dressed, highly intelligent and moving in high circles of power. We attended flamboyant dinner parties with people of stature and I was expected to behave, dress and communicate appropriately…I was the fluff on his arm. If I ever stepped out of line I succumbed to mental, verbal and sexual abuse behind the front door of our beautiful five bedroomed home. 

I was living with an abuser who controlled me so intensely and by doing so destroyed my personality and confidence and I became isolated, lonely and desperate.  I couldn’t stomach the stress of social gatherings and the pretense and lying and the “performance” I had to give to ensure people thought everything was OK and that I like being treated the way I was being treated.  I became entirely his solitary prey.  Even my mother wouldn’t visit anymore. I was intensely scared of him, he was constantly threatening me and I believed he would hurt me if I challenged him. It was easier to toe the line and conform. I was the ever faithful wife. I lost all my friends and had no one to confide in.  I was ashamed and scared to tell anyone, even my family. I came from a respectable upright family where abuse was never spoken about or contemplated and where marriage was an institution and “you just got on with it” and your marriage vows were for life. No one in my family was divorced let alone abused; why was this happening to me I asked in the darkness every night; I prayed every night for a better day tomorrow.

He got a huge kick out of frightening me; maybe just driving too fast in a dangerous situation until I couldn’t breathe, would hyperventilate and throw up and he would laugh. He knew what he was doing and was unconcerned, he loved the feeling he got from this past time. I could do nothing right from cooking to cleaning, to ironing his shirts to my makeup. As a size 14, I was always too fat and overweight. My driving was crap and I didn’t know what I was talking about.

My abuser was cunning and clever, to the world he was “Mr. Charming” and no one ever believed that he could possibly be abusing me. In front of people, he was always the nicest man in the world, caring and respectful. In the early days, he was clever enough to contain his temper and physical violence so there is nothing for anyone to see, therefore no one believed and nothing can be proved. But as time went on he was unable to control his temper and eventually became physically violent which got progressively worse. Then there was his threatening behaviour and disrespect, subtly making me believe white is black until he confused me so much that I believed I was going out of their mind. I believed I was mentally unstable and succumbed to his abuse further. I was nothing and only good enough to be his puppet.

He continually informed me I was and would be nothing without him. When I threatened to leave he sarcastically reminded me that no one would have me, there was nowhere to go and on top of that, I had no money of my own. Consequently, I believed that my abuser owned me and that my world would not turn without him. He took away my free will; he spoke for me, made decisions for me and allowed me no choices or opinions. He forced me to make professional, personal and reproductive choices I didn’t want and wouldn’t normally make. In amongst all this turmoil, he forced me to have a child or he would divorce me on the grounds of non-consummation of our marriage. He threatened to humiliate me as a non-fertile woman again degrading me and ensuring I felt worthless.

He raped me on numerous occasions forcing me to have sex because he needed it and held me down even through my tears. He ensured the act was completed on his terms, in his time frame and satisfying his own desires. He was demanding, kinky and rough and did not stop when asked. He showed no compassion for me even when I suffered gynaecological problems and had no empathy or sympathy and was still extremely demanding and rough sexually. When he was particularly vile he withheld affection and used affection and sex it to blackmail me. He definitely got a kick out of degrading me and enjoyed his power of force; power and force in the bedroom definitely turned him on.

This sick man criticised every move and action I made; he was never satisfied with anything we did or owned.  Nothing was ever right and he was never thankful or grateful.  He controlled, isolated, threatened, terrorised, insulted and belittled me. He told me I was crazy, a head case, got a screw loose, stupid, dishonest, a liar, psychotic, mentally unstable, should be locked up, put away and that I had a personality disorder. These types of abusers confuse their victims so badly that the victim eventually believes the propaganda being thrown at them.  You feel dirty, humiliated and disgusted with yourself.  The abuser tells you over and over that you are crazy and paranoid.  Mine often said I had a personality disorder and behind my back and unbeknown to me he wrote to my GP stating this.  He damaged my whole being with his mouth, mind and fists.

Thirteen years later I now realise all the above are classic forms of abuse and are more painful, dangerous and lethal than the kind that leaves bruises.  Bruises heal and go away but words and mental torment stay with you a lifetime. All forms of abuse leave deep wounds and scars and I believe you never totally get over an abusive relationship. You can try to forgive and understand but you never forget. There will always be a tiny nugget of damage remaining deep inside the brain for the rest of your life. No amount of therapy or forgiveness can ever heal this minuscule nugget. What happens is, over time, it doesn’t surface as often or as traumatically, the hurt becomes less raw.

There are many kinds of abuse, some of them obvious, some of them not; all of them dangerous and degrading.  Some are more insidious than others; the most insidious are subtle; their victims not only believe them but also blame themselves for the abuse they are suffering.  When the psychopath is really clever he uses all of his tactics and convinces his victim that it is her fault, or that the victim imagined it or that they get everything out of proportion.  These subtle forms of abuse are the hardest to stop because it is obviously harder to see. My abuser used all these tactics with no conscience and no remorse.

I was driven to severe depression and alcohol abuse; I was on anti-depressants for years. Abuse at any time, of any kind, is potentially fatal to the victim.  I became an alcoholic and suffered an eating disorder and the worst part of my situation was I believed it must all be my fault and I must be a very bad person. I stayed; trying to make it right but consequently fed my abuser which authorised him to continue. I never complained, consequently, he didn’t realise how unhappy I was. I protected myself by denying it was happening. It was too painful to admit what was happening to me, too embarrassing to tell anyone and I didn’t know if anyone would believe me anyway. I didn’t want to believe that the person who should be my soulmate and confidante would treat me this way.  I had suicidal thoughts on numerous occasions and I stopped crying because I couldn’t, I was all cried out. I became numb and felt nothing; nothing could hurt me. I had a cold façade and became an asymptomatic alcoholic.  I drank to hide the pain and to be able to deal with him.  It dulled my senses and I didn’t care what he said or did to me. I spent the last few years of my marriage living in a fog, drifting from day to day, merely functioning. I looked twice my age and I was like a time bomb waiting to explode; a prisoner in my own skin.  I stayed out of the house as much as possible to keep away from him which only made for a bad time when I eventually got home.

It was only when I was pushed almost to the edge that I faced what was happening to me. Nevertheless, I had no money, a child, and nowhere to go so it wasn’t easy to see a satisfactory way out. I knew I had to run away but where was I to go and how was I going to finance it. Being abused for me was like a drug and giving it up was extremely traumatic. For years I had known nothing else and I was leaving all my possessions and my home. I felt so guilty breaking up the family unit and hiding his daughter away but I had no choice. After I left he called me every name under the sun, threatened to kill me and kidnap my daughter. I didn’t see my personal possessions again for thirteen years.

No one is exempt from abuse; it can happen to anyone.  The best jobs, schools and backgrounds, low or high incomes are no guarantee there is no abuse behind someone’s front door.  I am smart, intelligent, attractive and well-educated b the t domestic abuse did not pass me by. When I finally plucked up the courage to leave I finally had a good career and a little money of my own.  I would never have believed I would become a victim to a psychopath; abuse doesn’t discriminate by colour, race, religion, spirit or socio-economic background.  It can touch anyone anytime and often when you least expect it.  I never believed it would happen to me; this wonderful free spirited me. Never stereotype or assume.

Over the 25 years of our marriage, I realise he thought he could buy my loyalty, love and affection by giving me a grand home with a high income. He would constantly tell me how lucky I was, that he did everything to make me happy and that I should be extremely grateful to him for everything we had. He would tell me that he went to work to earn enough money to ensure I had everything I desired and wanted. But “things” can never make you happy. I needed love safety, peace and contentment. I live alone now but I have never been happier and at peace with myself and the world. He hit me three times.  The third time I had it recorded at a solicitor and the doctors, as I knew no one would ever believe me and he would always deny it.  His behaviour was the epitome of domestic abuse. 

He almost destroyed me. Eventually, I summoned up the strength and courage to “flee” one Monday afternoon with my daughter after school to a hotel. We hid for days while he subjected us to verbal abuse. The police and my solicitor were informed and our address was made a safe house. We moved around a lot as I was paranoid he would find me. For two years or more I felt he was following me. He never did find us and slowly we accumulated a home again but the post-traumatic stress I suffered was almost as severe as the abuse. My daughter was traumatised and under police guard at school for a while. She also suffered an eating disorder and depression. Thirteen years later we have both recovered to the point where we can live again and are no longer scared of him at all, but it has taken thirteen years. We both have good careers and work hard and take care of each other. Her relationship with her father is still very estranged. 

Today we wear the proud badge “Survivor” and live peacefully in our world.

On Saturday 12th February 2017 I was lucky enough to meet and spend time with actor Chris Harper at the Escape Charity Event. Chris currently plays the role of groomer "Nathan" in Coronation Street. As Nathan, he will go on to groom Bethany.  I spent quality time discussing my own grooming, gaslighting and coercive control with Chris in order to assist him with his research into his role as a paedophile and perpetrator. 

You can read an interview with Chris Harper  in the Sunday Mirror today (12.02.2017) where he supports Voicing CSA and shares a small part of my story here: 


http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/coronation-street-star-reveals-met-9800715


@ed2inspire

I am Four and they say I am Autistic

I like to bounce because I like the way it feels; I like the rhythm and sensorial feeling it gives me. I also like to bounce when I am happy and I like to feel the wind and air as I flap my hands and arms. People ask me not to flap which I do not understand; they don’t seem to understand how good it feels to me or why I need to do it. Why do they not flap, spin and circle?

I also like to circle open spaces, going round and round and round and round. This is another action that feels good and I like the giddiness I feel and the way the room spins and how items whiz past my eyes and brain. People do not seem to understand that this is a calming effect for me or sometimes exciting, again they ask me to walk but they do not understand that most of the time I cannot.

I like to suck on white tac, in fact any kind of putty or tac including play dough. The texture in my mouth is wonderful to me and chewing gum has the same effect. I steal my mum’s chewing gum because I cannot get enough of it and she gets upset with me. She asks me not to swallow it and tries to retrieve it from my mouth which I do not like and it annoys me. This is when I like to scream. I also like to eat mud, worms in fact anything feels good to explore in my mouth. I like to check things out with my mouth. This helps me to understand the world around me in a way that no one else seems to understand. I do not understand that they do not understand. Strangely I do not like squidgy foods only dry crispy ones. I cant explain that either and nor should I have to, we are all different aren't we. All of us unique.

Screaming is a quick and intense way of making the world understand my feelings. They certainly stop and listen when I scream. I also make noises to get another person’s attention or to ask for something. I growl when I do not like something, this usually ensures my peers move away from me. My peers seem to understand my noises even if some adults do not. My words come differently and not like theirs, noises work better for me.

I like rhyming and copying sentences from others though; I like certain rhythms of words and sentences and certain intonations. I only like some words and some sentences and some intonations. Not all words make me happy.  I like to copy adults and find it amusing to repeat what they say over and over and over. I like to listen to music and I usually stand very still and listen hard which is unusual for me. The adults are often surprised I can stand so still. I love nursery rhymes because they rhyme and have a rhythm, it’s obvious isn’t it?

Numbers make me happy. I like to match numbers, line them up, walk on them; my world is one big code. Everything I see and hear has a number code allotted to it in my brain. I do not like anyone to take my numbers, move them or share them. They may spoil them or I may not get them back. It scares me when someone touches or takes my numbers; this is when I might scream again or I move away. I recognize numbers everywhere in the world and repeat them out loud when I see them.

I like anything that flashes, lights up, makes noises or spins. My favourite toys are my number V-tech, my spinning top, my noisy microphone, flashing ball and my iPad. All these items can make me calm when using them or excited. When I get excited about using them I like to bounce, flap and spin because that is how I express my excitement and as I have said before I love that spinning dizzy feeling. It makes me sad when they take my flashing noisy toys away because I am intense with them. This is another time that I scream but also cry because I have no idea why they are taken from me and when I will see them again. They hide the toys from me and I find this distressing because I may never see these toys ever again. I feel anxious that they disappear. I like anything that spins or flashes like the washing machine or an electric fan; I can sit and watch for great lengths of time. The flash of a camera stimulates me and I enjoy the photographer when she comes to school – not for the photos but for all the flashes, lights and equipment.

I tend to operate best with structure and routine and I like to do the same things each day. When routines change I seem to twirl, flap and spin more than usual. Changes seem to upset my equilibrium and brain and I find I do not know where I am and feel lost. On these days I seem to be less well understood by anyone and find the adults around me are just as confused as me which only makes me more stressed and confused.

I love water and messy play. I can spend a long time in the bathroom washing my hands, running the water and watching it swirl down the plug hole and listening to the sound of the running water. It is very soothing and pleasing to my ears and brain. Reflections fascinate me also and I love to look at my reflection in the taps, windows and mirrors. Reflections in windows are very distracting for me and I like to stop and watch but my adults tend to move me on, they are always in a hurry for something I do not want to do or understand. Often, when they try to make me move on, I lie on the floor and go all floppy and that gives me a bit longer with my special pastimes and obsessions. They find it hard to move me when I am floppy and I can enjoy whatever pleasure I am experiencing a little longer. I can be very clever and manipulative, you know!

I enjoy playing with anything messy like corn flour, paint, food play and mud so long as I can put my hands in and move and squish it about. I can spend great lengths of time doing this activity; it feels great and the messier I get the better. I often cover myself from head to toe in messy play. No one seems to mind this which is great and I do not get moved away for a long time. I never want this activity to end. It's one of the things I like very much. Squishing between my fingers feels very good, you see they say I am hypersensitive.

I love technology and am very competent with it. I can become obsessed with technology and refuse to stop using my toys by using my loudest noises. My noises are very expressive. I do not understand why I have to stop doing something I enjoy in order to do something I have no interest in. Technology can over stimulate me and then I cannot wind down or sleep so I cannot use my technology close to my bedtime as I might keep my family awake all night.

I find it difficult to sit down or sit still; I need to move so eating times are challenging for me. I am not that interested in food really. Any quiet time or sitting time is a huge challenge and makes me stressed and I need to circle the room, bounce and flap. The only things I can sit at are puzzles and books but they have to be special books that I love and am obsessed with in order to hold my attention. Generally the Gruffalo book and puzzle work best for me. I am very good at puzzles and can do extremely difficult puzzles for my age very quickly , so my adults say. I do not want anyone to touch them and I certainly do not want to share. Someone might damage or spoil my puzzle or take the pieces and this would upset me after I have worked so hard to complete the puzzle. I like the patterns of puzzles and these patterns become codes too. I can do puzzles without the picture as I see the pattern and not the picture. I also like any puzzle or book with numbers in and can spend a long time counting the numbers.

I don’t really have any special friends I just play alongside everyone. Everyone is my friend. They all seem ok with that. They get on with their day and I do mine. Everyone is kind to me except when they take my special toys but generally the teacher will help me out. The teachers seem to keep a close eye on me and make sure I am safe and happy. You see I have no fear of anything; the world is a fascinating place to be explored and I love to explore everything. I just do it differently to you.

Jay, my Beautiful Autistic Savant

What a beautiful boy, he looked like the male version of the Pears Soap advert little girl. Blonde curls, lily white skin, sea blue eyes and a smile to die for. Tall for his age and gangly, he was often awkward in movement and space. He was happy, spritely, bouncy and eager to learn craving more and more knowledge. He was cuddly in a non-cuddly fashion but his eyes, when you could catch them, spoke a million words. You see (pardon the pun) my beautiful Jay at age two and a half had no language but when you were lucky enough to engage eye contact he spoke a million times over beautifully to you. He could be funny and cheeky and he and I had an understanding like no other. What an honour to work, teach and care for this beautiful boy.

I had never heard him speak a recognisable word for several years but he made noises all the time; grunts, squeals and groans, growls and hysterical laughter. In his own way he understood (and found the world funnier) than we gave him credit for. He could make himself understood at all times and knew exactly what he wanted and I understood every grunt and growl. He was very good at a meltdown too if he couldn’t get his own way; make himself understood or didn’t want to comply. Throwing himself on the floor and becoming a floppy mess he could lie there forever or until a new puzzle was offered to him. I could observe him for hours; he was one of the most fascinating and beautiful specimens of the human race I had ever encountered.

At two years he was stubborn and feisty; determined and persistent. He played alone, didn’t acknowledge his peers and could concentrate for great lengths of time on a topic or resource of high interest. He loved numbers, trains, puzzles, science and patterns. He disliked craft and creative projects, messy and outside play. Trains with numbers were like chocolate to him. By the time he was four he could do sixty to one hundred piece puzzles with no picture, upside down and back to front. I will never forget the day he took a puzzle box with three different puzzles inside (all mixed up) and without the pictures and in no particular order that made any sense to me (or anyone else) he sorted the pieces for the most difficult within a few minutes by throwing over his shoulder the pieces he had no use for! He then proceeded to complete the puzzle (with no picture) and with the pieces the wrong way up. He seemed to be able to complete puzzles by shape and pattern, it was astounding and a miracle to watch.

Always in his head and his world he amused himself very well and happily with his high interest toys and cruising the room searching out numbers on a daily basis. He would line up toys with numbers in order, all around the room and was very unhappy if you moved a number out of sequence. He could count to in sequence to infinity before the age of three. He recognised every number in the world around him (in and out of order) and could add and subtract very large number patterns. James was an enigma at age four.

At four years he began to speak in extremely adult language and using mathematical and scientific words, although he used short sharp sentences. When asking for his milk at snack time he would ask by the literage that appeared on the four pint semi skimmed bottle, for example, 2.272 litres. Everything in his world represented a number; he spoke of no one by name. Everything and everyone was a number in his world. The staff were given numbers as names; I was number six? The only acceptable books for our Jay were books with numbers included in the pictures and storyline, which he would read (and repeat) over and over; Jay was fascinated and obsessed with rhyming and language. He taught himself to read at a very early age and could read and recognise complex words without understanding the meaning of them. There is condition called Hyperlexia which is where a child has an intense fascination for letters or numbers and the ability to read far beyond their age but has a below average understanding of the spoken word and interacting and socialising. Jay loved numbers and scientific words especially but at times I don't believe he understood what he was discussing.

Jay was the third child of a family of four children, very much loved and very much understood by his highly intelligent parents. The eldest daughter also had a diagnosis of high functioning Autistic Spectrum Disorder, passed the 11+ and was on the gifted programme at the local grammar school and top of the class. Jay also received a diagnosis of high functioning ASD and a statement of educational needs to follow him to reception and assist him through his primary education and beyond if necessary.

Jay would be eight or nine now; I often wonder how and where this beautiful able boy is today?

Jay was twice exceptional – Gifted with ASD - some children have a learning disability alongside their giftedness or high ability, which adds another dimension, difficulty and frustration.  It is important to see the whole child and the two individual learning needs; it is important to not let the disability get in the way of the high ability of any child and vice versa.  Many learning difficulties do not interfere with intellect.

Safeguarding Our Children

Children’s safety must never be compromised; children have a right to be safe; it’s a human right to be safe. Recently we have heard about some tragic cases of child abuse and heart rending deaths of children, some of which have been in early year’s settings and schools. There have been many serious case reviews, Victoria Climbie, Vanessa George and Daniel Pelka, to name just a few and of course we obviously learn something from these but there still remains some very grave lessons to be learnt and there are also very grey areas for practitioners and professionals working with children to be empowered and confident to share and report concerns.

Safeguarding and child protection in the UK is a complex and challenging process and there are many problems linked to this very serious area of childcare practice. There are many intricate channels of reporting to follow, many acronyms to decipher and every local authority has their own procedures to follow not to mention the setting and school policies which are generally lengthy and complex themselves. I am always astounded by the length of policies and often wonder if they really get read and understood.

Staff training is also a very grey area. Not all staff will have any form of training or insight to safeguarding and child protection. Many employees rely of the small window of learning within a member of staffs level 2 or 3 childcare qualifications which only touches on the subject. Basic safeguarding training is what it says…..basic. Employees only have to update their training every three years and this is only a recommendation. And safeguarding covers all aspects of safety in a setting or organisation not just child protection but college courses are not teaching this, they just touch on child protection and abuse.

We also have to remember owners and head teachers have to keep a balanced view of their business but a child’s safety must never be compromised in the name of profit, budgets or reputation. Professionals have a “duty of care” to be mindful, observe and report any form of child abuse or safeguarding issue but when and who determines when a child is neglected or abused. Making this important decision can be subjective and this is where the airy fairy greyness steps in. What I feel requires reporting you or someone else may not.

When we refer to child protection we are not just talking about sexual abuse, there are many forms of abuse that professionals have to be aware of and report on. There are four types of child abuse. They are defined in the UK Government guidance Working Together to Safeguard Children 2010 (1.33 – 1.36) as follows:

• Physical
• Sexual
• Emotional
• Neglect

As well as:

• Institutional
• Discriminatory

Recognising child abuse is not easy. It is not your responsibility to decide whether or not child abuse has taken place or if a child is at significant risk of harm from someone. You do however, have both a responsibility and duty, as set out in your organisation’s child protection procedures, to act in order that the appropriate agencies can investigate and take any necessary action to protect a child. It is everyone’s duty to report any concern that may mean a child is at risk and then let the agencies deal with the case and decide on a way forward and outcome.

Abuse and neglect are forms of maltreatment of a child. Somebody may abuse or neglect a child either directly by inflicting harm, or indirectly, by failing to act to prevent harm. So here is another grey area…..are we responsible for abuse or neglect if we do not report a concern? Children may be abused in a family or in an institutional or community setting, by those known to them or, more rarely, by a stranger. They may be abused by an adult or adults, or another child or children. Abuse does not discriminate and can be happening in any family with any social background.

Guidance today for all educational establishments is statutory and not mandatory including the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS) Statutory Framework & Welfare Statements and campaigners are fighting for reporting for all professionals working with children and young people in any establishment to become mandatory. The campaign is backed by five leading abuse charities as well as several MPs and shadow MPs. “Although child abuse is of course a crime, reporting it is – unbelievably - entirely discretionary. Along with many others, I find it incomprehensible that teachers, teaching assistants and other staff in Daniel’s school did not do more to help him," said Paula Barrow, Manchester based mother, in the introduction to her petition on www.change.org where around 50,000 individuals have signed the petition for Daniel Pelka’s Law. If reporting had been mandatory it is very possible Daniel would be alive today. We must all feel confident to recognise behaviours, symptoms and attitudes that give cause for concern in the families we work with.

• Statutory – required, permitted or enacted by statute
• Mandatory – required by law or mandate, compulsory

Case Study

Child A (12), Child B (10) & Child C (4), sisters with the same biological father, lived with their mother. Their father lived out of the area. It had been disclosed he abused alcohol. Child A and B went to the local primary school and the Child C attended the local day nursery referred on the 2 year old funded government free education scheme. It was noted in both settings that the children were unkempt, unclean and smelly. The mother had a young partner. They were asked not to smoke or drink in front of the children. Mother and her sister were raised by their biological mother and her partner, their step father, who sexually abused them for most of their lives. As adults they both continued to have a sexual relationship with the stepfather until Child A disclosed at school that her step grandfather had sexually interfered with her. The school made a referral to social care and the assessment and intervention team were called in and after many play therapy sessions, interviews and meetings a case conference was held and the three children were placed on a Child Protection Plan. The step grandfather was arrested, questioned and released on bail. He was given conditions not to contact the family or attend the local area. At a later date Child B also disclosed. Many agencies were involved in the case – social worker, head teacher, school nurse, health visitor, children’s center, nursery manager, police, GP, play therapist, counselor, pediatrician, educational psychologist, translator, advocate. The referral was made by the head teacher of the school.

Less experienced staff (and even experienced) still struggle to recognise abuse and certainly feel uncomfortable challenging parents and reporting. A question they will always have in their minds is “What if I am wrong.” But far better to report and be wrong than not to report at all and a child dies. There are specific reporting lines as follows:

• Disclose to your designated safeguarding officer in confidence
• Who in turn will inform the head teacher, manager and/or owner
• Telephone the First Response phone line
• Contact the Local Area Designated Officer
• Contact the Local Safeguarding Children’s Board
• Local Social Services Intervention & Assessment Team
• NSPCC
• Ofsted
• Your local authority

The Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS), as part of the Tickell & Nutbrown reviews stipulates all staff must be monitored and have regular one to one supervision. This is imperative for all those professionals working with children “period” but even more imperative for those working on child abuse cases especially those involved with sexual abuse and paedophilia. Working on such cases is onerous, emotionally challenging and can be extremely disturbing. Employees need a safe space to “off load” and “share” with a senior supervisor. Working on such cases can also bring up issues in the member of staffs past that can be difficult to manage and even become a conflict of interest on the case they are working on. A member of staff may need counselling support themselves and in some cases retirement from the case.

Staff also need to be ready and confident to whistleblow any concerns about anyone who may be abusing or causing harm to a child on or off the premises. All setting and schools must have comprehensive safeguarding, child protection and whistleblowing policies in place. Whistleblowing is also a scary procedure and staff need to know they are safe to whistleblow in order to keep children safe without reprisals or fear of losing their jobs. There are several organisations that can support with whistleblowing:

www.gov.uk/whistleblowing

www.safecall.co.uk

www.acas.org.uk

www.ofsted.gov.uk

www.pcaw.org.uk

Some of the Indicators to look out for:

• Destruction of physical environment
• Turning night into day/sleep disturbance
• Sleeping in the fetal position
• Chronic incontinence/persistent urine infections
• Extreme physical and/or emotional dependence
• Verbal abuse and aggression towards carer
• Introverted/mutism/low self esteem
• Changes in personality caused by illness and/or medication
• Non-compliance with carers wishes
• Obsessive behaviour
• Wandering/absconding
• Self-harm

This list is not exhaustive.

The two year funded scheme for the most deprived two year olds brings with it many areas for concern for practitioners.

Case Study

Child A was seen by a nursery nurse to be “lapping” like a dog from the toilet. When asked what he was doing he replied “having a drink”. When asked why he drunk from the toilet he replied “this is what we do at home”. This child was 3 years old. As time went on it materialized that his mother, a single parent, was a cocaine user and alcoholic and strapped Child A and his brother Child B into high chairs all day in order that she could sleep off her frivolities of the night before. She also refused them drinks in order that she did not have to change their nappies. Child A was so thirsty when he attended his day nursery, and was afraid to ask for a drink for fear of being reprimanded, that he drunk from the toilet secretly in order to quench his thirst. The setting ensured he never had to ask for a drink. A written referral was made to social care and the assessment and intervention team was informed and the above procedure began. The children were put on a multiagency Child Protection Plan. Sadly these two children were taken into long term foster care and eventually adopted. Their mother was offered long term mental health and parenting support.

Remember there may be family and institutional contributing factors also damaging a child’s life, home and well-being, e.g. substance abuse, domestic violence, financial difficulties, mental illness, stress, unemployment, loss of a parent and/or disability. These can be contributing factors to an unhappy or emotionally abused child; we are not necessarily looking for bruises. So, safeguarding and child protection is complex and not just about sexual abuse. Carers who withhold food and fluids, lock children in bedrooms, omit to keep children washed and clean, use illegal substances around their children or subject them to episodes of domestic violence can all be construed as forms of child abuse.

The NSPCC states that existing whistleblowing legislation has a number of weaknesses, such as the number of obstacles to clear before employment protection is available. These weaknesses cause child protection and safeguarding professionals to be reticent about reporting legitimate concerns they may have about child safety. The NSPCC wants there to be an atmosphere where people involved in child protection and safeguarding feel able to raise concerns about issues that could affect children’s safety without having to fear an adverse impact on their employment situation.

The NSPCC advises that there needs to be:

• Changes to the groups of people for whom protection is available
• The level of knowledge or concern about child protection and safeguarding at which employment protection starts
• A reduction in the number of legal obstacles to employment protection
• An increase in activity to raise awareness of the protection available for those who want to blow the whistle about legitimately held concerns about child protection and safeguarding

The NSPCC would like to see the “reasonable belief” threshold for protection of employees who whistle blow lowered to “reasonable suspicion or concern” in cases where a child is suspected of being abused or harmed. This is to encourage whistleblowers that might have some doubts about the information they have received but are sufficiently concerned about a child that they feel the matter should be investigated properly.

So…..I leave you to consider if reporting should be mandatory?

If reporting had been mandatory and the threshold for protection of employees who whistleblow was lowered to “reasonable suspicion or concern” would Victoria Climbie, Baby P and especially Daniel Pelka be alive today? Plus, would many children’s abuse have stopped much earlier.

Everyone working with children and young people need to feel confident and empowered to make a referral in the name of our children, their safety and their human rights. Remember, the long term damage from any type of abuse lasts a lifetime. So, I ask you to support www.danielslaw.co.uk and help keep children and professionals safe.

Additional Information

http://chosen.org.uk/film/
www.change.org
www.education.gov.uk
NSPCC 0808 800 5000 help@nspcc.org.uk
www.nspcc.org.uk/underwearrule
Early Years Information www.foundationyears.org.uk

The Early Years 2 year old Funding Debate

Two year olds are very special little people, vastly different in needs to under twos and three year olds. They are constantly busy, always on the go; rarely do they sit still, or not for very long anyway. There is so much learning going on in their little brains and bodies every minute of the day. They rarely walk anywhere and need very special experienced and trained practitioners to keep them busy, stimulated and safe but understand informed risk.  By the time they are close to three years old it is amazing how far they have come and how much they have learnt.

Two year olds brains are frantically wiring and they crave movement and activity; they get a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from moving and dumping items from one place to another or one container to another, they need to explore. Two year olds are beginning to learn language, sharing, turn taking, following an instruction, concentration and listening skills as well as the basic educational curriculum embedded in the early years foundation stage and development matters. All these areas of learning will happen in a spasmodic fashion and with differing timescales and experienced highly trained practitioners will be working hard focusing 0n supporting two year old children’s communication and language, physical and personal, social and emotional development.

Two year olds are unpredictable, erratic and naturally impulsive, this is because the area of their brain that is involved in planning and logical thought is far from developed.  Two year olds have a "see and do" attitude to the environment they are playing in. Asking a two year old not to touch or do something will generally have no effect as their impulsiveness will take over once an adult is out of sight.  Sitting for any length of time will be extremely challenging and is likely to result in frustration, wriggling, walking around and, in some cases, the odd problematic bite or pinch.

Two year olds need a room full of a wide variety of equipment and resources and the pace of the session needs to be notched up; waiting times needs to be minimal. There needs to be a quick turnaround of activities and practitioners need to offer high levels of support to help two year olds engage in a wide range of play. The outside classroom is particularly inviting for this age range so long as the outside space is busy, inviting and stimulating.

Two year olds social and emotional needs are still developing together with their understanding of their peers needs and feelings. During this year twos will learn how to share and play with each other through squabbles, negotiation and interacting with others. When twos touch and explore the world around them they are learning about shape, colour, texture, weight and text, all of which will assist in developing literacy and writing skills later on. in readiness for school. A safe secure environment with robust key person relationships and plenty of duplicate toys and resources will make for a fun enjoyable two year old working environment.

Two year olds need to run and jump; climb and roll; throw and catch; kick a ball and ride a trike. Large movements are essential for this age group and the key person and practitioners must also ensure a wide range of outside activities are readily available on a daily basis. This age need a free flow in/out environment more than ever to sate their brain growth and physical needs. Twos are also just beginning to learn independence skills which will go on to help develop positive confidence and self-esteem. Ensure there are varied opportunities for children to pour, use a fork and spoon, thread and do puzzles; sweep and clean the tables, help lay the table and carry items, to name just a few.  Challenging activities develop concentration skills, hand eye coordination and strengthen their muscles and fine motor development essential for later learning.

Two year olds classed as being in poverty are now offered 15 hours of government funding to the most deprived and with differing eligibility criteria as set by each local authority. Primarily places are offered to looked after children, adopted children, children with a disability or special educational need or households that qualify for free school meals. Other families that may be eligible are families receiving Working Tax Credit, Universal Credit and incomes not exceeding £16,199.

The two year old scheme brings with it many additional areas of challenge to settings due to the basis of the scheme and the deprived areas it is designed to support. Many children arrive in settings with additional needs or additional family needs, e.g. substance abuse, domestic violence, child protection issues and court orders. These additional needs can put huge pressure on settings and practitioners in a wide variety of ways, e.g. paperwork, support mechanisms, attending meetings and case conferences, writing reports, IEPs and liaising with outside agencies. It takes experiences managers and practitioners to have an in-depth understanding of some of these children/family needs together with correct, up-to-date and adequate training in areas such as Autism, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), Dyspraxia, Dyslexia, behaviour and social and emotional difficulties. Training is essential but often expensive; and sometimes not enough available locally in the evenings and weekends in order for practitioners to easily access. Practitioners cannot always be let out in the working day due to maintaining both staff and child ratios. On another level, paperwork to obtain Higher Needs Funding or a Statement of Educational Needs for many of these children is extensive and time consuming and requires high levels of expertise.

To be referred to the two year funding programme generally means there is an additional need of some kind, so it is imperative staff/child ratios remain high (1:4) for these wonderful but busy little people in order that they receive the high quality care, learning and development, social and emotional, communication and language and physical support that they need and deserve in order to flourish and grow in confidence and self-esteem and to aid their success in future years.

If twos are to be integrated into the formal school environment there must be an extensive training programme of expert lead practitioners in these new two year old classrooms in order to cope and deal with the complex additional needs that accompany many of the funded two year olds. Specialist and safe indoor and outdoor environments must be created that offer a high-quality, balanced and holistic curriculum with a deep understanding of each twos brain development and their additional need. Early years settings in the Private/ Voluntary/Independent (PVI) sectors have been working with these impulsive and active little bodies and their additional needs for many years and have become very experienced in satisfying their every need and creating expert and dedicated play and learning spaces that challenge and extend their successes.

The Department for Education (DfE), Office for Standards in Education (Ofsted) and schools would do well to ask some of us for our opinion and expertise in supporting twos transitioning to school settings, we have a wealth or knowledge and experience to offer.

elainehook@hotmail.com

Education Consultant, Early Years Specialist & Gifted & Talented Expert

Visiting Sonoma County, California

As I stand here in Sonoma County, California, I think about how far I have come, many years down the line I scan up following the line of the inspiring evergreen pines that surround me and which protrude way up to the sky, I am reminded of their awesome strength and courage. A bird of prey circles and soars high above me and both command power over the cobalt blue sky and others that jointly share the silken hue they glide in. No other twitter graces this elite position or permeates such elegance caressing the skies. Raising my head I look up to the heavens and standing straight I rise up tall and confident and fill my lungs with the clear forest air; the aroma of the pine forest encapsulates my senses with the natural perfume of the forest and I feel worthy, liberated and powerful; elegance and dignity like the eagle have returned.  I give myself up to the awesome expanse above me and I begin to really feel again. I find myself opening my arms wide and raising my hands in praise to universe and freedom engulfs my being. In childlike fashion I spin around and around and around enjoying the cool air washing across my skin until I reel and stagger with giddiness and fall about with the giggles. I roll in the sea of pine needles and thank my creator for bringing peace, happiness and contentment to a new life that is now in a satisfied place of harmony.

Reflecting on a time of no muscle or power, I am happy to say the war is over; I thank my maker for the final bell ending the horrific rounds in the ring; I know the tourney is done. The punches have ceased, the bruises healed, the blood has congealed; no longer a punch bag, verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually. Thankfully the referee is now redundant, the ring is empty and the judges have declared their ruling; tournament over and unlawful. The opponent is broken, the audience retreated; the auditorium an empty vessel. The sadistic cheering of the spectators is finally silenced and the silent screaming from the target is thankfully hushed and mute. The predator has been deemed incapable; disqualified for breaking the rules. The psychopath is alone and lonely.

The blows have stopped, the pain is managed, the fear suppressed. The prey fled in order to save her soul and the predator was grounded. There are no winners in a sport such as this; no medals or trophies, only sadness and despair. But in time a new peace and a different language emerge from the darkness and eventually a light shines, hope trickles and an emotional river swells and flows more freely. A new sense of trust propagates in the heart and soul. But it takes time, buckets full of time, to transcend the punches, scars, memories and propaganda. Parts of it never heal and the smallest nugget of pain remains buried deep within the brain, as a reminder of the journey. A nugget that is a relic of the past that serves to jump out now and again as a prompt of “never again.”

In the fog that hung between the punches of the senses was a small pleasure called teatime that always felt comfy and easy; peaceful and quiet. Alone at three thirty each afternoon the heavenly ritual of sweet tea and cake was always a comfort and gave light and hope to a hopeless round in the fog. Whether alone, with family or friends there was always something soothingly sweet and comfy about tea and cake in the midst of the chaos and despair.

Leaping out of the fog with a roar and a regained sense of power like I have never known before and mirroring the strong lines of the evergreen pines, I rise  up and stand tall and feel like I am soaring through life again. Fleeing was better than staying; homeless was better than heartless. Standing in the freedom of this beautiful forest, I realise life has become bearable, safe and most of all free of the distasteful violence I suffered for far too long. Regaining my personal power and learning how to respect myself again has set me free. In a flash I could suddenly see beyond the horizon and colour seeped back into each day. After three decades of mental torture and abuse I could smell life, feel emotion, hear serenity and touch peace. I was no longer a contender floundering at the ring side, with blows being thrown at me, bouncing off the ringside padding with a referee counting down time. I have completely regained the control stolen from me during a long abusive marriage and I now rise up like the pines and soar like the eagle through life; I have broken the pattern of domestic violence, survived this distasteful diversion and embrace the contentment and freedom of the soul every day.

Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate, it can be found in every background, upbringing and social class…so don’t judge me when you don’t know me, do not underestimate me until you have understood my challenges  and do not question me when you haven’t walked my journey.

Women's Aid Helpline

 0808 2000 247

helpline@womensaid.org.uk

National Centre for Domestic Violence

0844 8044 999

Victim Support

0845 30 30 900

The Police

In an emergency 999 / Non-emergency 101

The Plague of Parkinson's Disease Medications

For over thirty years I have been fighting this fight with all my might. The tiny bastards of varying sizes and shapes that are said to be required five times a day with food to sustain mobility have destroyed my past and have taken away my future.  They have haunted me for more than half my life. They come in disguise of varying names and generics and are supposedly a friend not foe; but little do any of us know including the consultants, doctors, nurses and helplines the pain, damage and destruction they inflict on innocent people. Honestly, the little bastards do not help with mobility....much....but they help with other nasty’s big time; they give licence to a degrading, dishonest and disgusting way of life.

We were never told about them; about how addictive they are, how they destroy families, marriages and relationships; how they change personalities. No one mentioned these tragic dangers. No one asked us any questions either; like were there any predispositions of any kind in the family. If only someone had thought to ask that question or mention the side effects of these tiny insignificant little bastards maybe we would not be where we are today. Maybe we would not have lost everything to the vices of these tiny little non-descript and otherwise irrelevant little pills. No different in size or shape to any other little pill but so much more powerful once digested. Doctors and consultants say they only recently knew of the indescribable side effects but research on the net tells me differently; they have known for a long time that some individuals bear the pain of these medications. It is a human right that patients out there know the truth and it is time we became aware. It is time this revolting secret was made public knowledge so no other family has to suffer at the hands of these revolting little tablets. I believe I am one person who is capable and strong enough to share her story.

These small rotten little pills undoubtedly contributed to the breakdown of my family unit and plenty of others which you may have read about over the years in the national press. After 25 years of marriage, I had no choice but to surrender to a traumatic separation, a divorce laced with years of domestic violence and psychological, emotional and physical damage and despair to me, the wife and carer. I was so depressed I lived in a daily fog and just functioned in order to get through the day. In the end my daughter and I fled in exasperation and were homeless. We lost our family home, income and all our belongings; we fled in what we stood up in. It was the scariest time of my life and I had no idea how I was going to survive let alone recover.

Trauma, eating disorders, depression and anxiety affected my child and she had an estranged relationship with her father for over 10 years while she grieved the death of the man she first knew as her Dad. The only way I can cope with the man I know now, is to convince myself that the man I married has passed away and that this is a different person I deal with now. These small so called insignificant multi coloured little tablets are extremely dangerous drugs that, in some patients, bring about and exacerbate Impulsive and Compulsive Behaviours, some of which are drug and alcohol abuse and cravings, excessive gambling and shopping and hyper-sexuality to name just a few.

My ex-husband participated in two of these unsavoury habits and rendered us bankrupt. In one year he blew £200,000 on drugs, women, hotels and sex aids, not to mention how much he gave to the girls to furnish their lifestyle. He gave away items from our home to pay for his needs. His personality changed completely and he was unrecognisable as the man I married. He can’t plan or manage time and doesn’t know right from wrong and is a compulsive liar. He will disappear for days on end.

This story is extremely personal and hard for me to write but it is important that I share my story to endeavour to ensure to the best of my ability that other families never have to suffer the life we have for three decades at the hands of these disgusting medications.

Consequently, I must highlight several important issues that I feel must become of prime concern to all Parkinson’s consultants and nurses and must become obligatory practice in the diagnosis of all Parkinson’s patients.

1. Patients need to be made aware of the side effects of these nasty drugs at diagnosis

2. Consultants need to ask the question: "are there any obsessive traits in the family  
3. There needs to be more research into better drugs
4. There needs to be more support for the wider family and specifically the carer
5. Children need support
6. Patients suffering these side effects need mental health and a treatment programme
7. There needs to be housing support for families that lose their homes and life savings
8. Family history needs to be taken into consideration

I have asked for help, assistance and support and to be listened to and heard from a huge range of support services; Parkinson's UK, Social Care, Vulnerable Adults, GP, Consultant, Police, Victim Support, and Carers Support. No one knows how to help, our story is so complex. I feel very let down by the system, very alone and very insignificant. There was one Parkinson's Specialist Nurse who best supported us when we had to get my ex-husband off the Parkinson’s drug Cabergoline (which was the main drug that was the main problem) but when we fled and my ex-husband moved areas we could not work with her any longer. I have to say she was an incredible person. In different ways both my daughter and I had breakdowns, therapy and relied on our family to see us through. Some friends turned their backs on us because they didn’t believe that my ex-husband could possibly be behaving as I described, he was "Mr Charming" in public (and still can be) and they remembered him as the eminent upright business man of 30 years previous. This has been added pain but I believe in karma and they will have their day, one day.

My family has been destroyed and my daughter and I have had to build a new life. Thirteen years later we are just about healed but the pain and memories will never go away. The man I married 35 years ago and who is the father of my child, died a long time ago. Accepting the past as a bereavement is the only chance I have of coping with the past, living the present and moving forward to a brighter future. I am a strong woman and a survivor and I will survive. Please never let this happen to another family that is my one lasting request; please share this post and help me to get the message out there to save families. Share this far and wide.....often.
                                  
                                   I will survive, for as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive,
                                    I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give and I'll survive,
                                                                                          I will survive
                                                                                                          Gloria Gaynor

Further support
Parkinson's UK 0800 800 0303
Parkinson’s Magazine with article about Impulsive & Compulsive Behaviours February 2014
Parkinson's Specialist Nurses & Care & Share for Carers

Victim Support 0845 30 30 900