Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Red Flags you’re with a Narcissist

1.    Love Bombing or Quick Attachment – you will quickly receive endless compliments, gifts, a variety of promises and given endless attention, affection and nice gestures. Very early on the narcissist will give you things in order to ensure you are indebted to them and owe them something. The narcissist has shallow emotions and use false praise and flattery and will detach from you as quickly as they committed.

2.    Coercive Controla narcissist will orchestrate the outcomes they desire; in the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviours. As with most narcissistic red flags, the efforts to control are often far subtler than outright abuse; be on the lookout for changes in arrangements you have made or one who always turns up late to an arrangement. Anything that makes you feel nervous or makes you change your behaviours should be a red flag.

3.     Fragmented Family History - Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family and childhood and their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense or don't add up and you can find nothing out about them on social media.

4.    Idol Worshipping NarcissistWhen the idol worshipping narcissist finds someone perfect to be close to they hope some of that perfection will rub off on them and that they will become perfect by association. The fact that no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist take cover once the narcissist realises this as few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Be careful conforming to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely the compulsive flattery might feel.

5.    Too Good to be True – a narcissist is a con artist and when a narcissist finds a target he/she morphs into his/her good self and becomes the epitome of a kind caring perfect friend or lover in order to suck you into the world of lies and deceit.

6.    Moves Around A lot – they often move around a lot, that way their past doesn’t come back and bite them on the bum. They are often in between jobs, just leaving or just starting a new job and have had many jobs. They usually do not have long term friends.

7.    Always Someone Else’s Fault – any indiscretions, failings, lies, crimes are always someone else’s fault or you or someone else made him/her do it. It is never the narcissist's fault. They will accuse you of provoking them to do or behave negatively or abusively.

8.    Financial/Economic Abuse – the narcissist will borrow money from you and very quickly pay you back in order to gain your trust so that when they ask for larger sums of money you are in a false sense of security and are sure they will return the money quickly – but they don’t and always have valid excuses as to why paying you back is not possible.

9.    Lies & Gaslighting – you catch the narcissist out telling lies but they will say you misunderstood, got the wrong end of the stick or imagined it. They are convincing liars and make you feel paranoid, insecure, confused and over write your sense of reality blatantly denying their own manipulative and deceitful behaviours. They will tell you, you are mentally ill and unstable and suggest you see a doctor or worse try to have you sectioned. They live a double life – one with you and one with others – they transform themselves depending on who they are around and you find yourself playing detective. They surround themselves with individuals who have been sucked into their game and believe in their lies in order to maintain their status quo.

10.  Selfishness & Adoration – their demand for adoration is insatiable, no one can fill the void of a psychopaths soul. They talk about themselves persistently and play the victim card when it suits their needs. They are selfish and self-centred and want to be adored and crave fame and fortune.

11.  Insults – enjoys putting you down and flatters your own insecurities. Comments about what you’re wearing and often like to tell you what to wear. They will focus on your mistakes rather than their own and if you point this out they will turn the whole conversation back onto you.

12.  No Conscience – they are devoid of empathy and have no conscience and are incapable of understanding how you or anyone else feels. It is only ever about them. They know what they are doing and get great pleasure from it. Their behaviour boosts and pumps up their ego only to make them more dangerous and vile. They get great pleasure from ruining someone’s reputation and will go to any length to achieve their goal.

After an encounter with a psychopath, most survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance: who can really be trusted?

Resources and Further Information:

Serious Crime Act 2015 - Section 76 Statutory Guidance Document here:

Serious Crime Act 2015 - Section 76 - legislation here:

Coercive Control by Evan Stark / Women at Risk by Evan Stark / Without Conscience by Robert D. Hare / Psychopath Free by Jackson Mackenzie

Written by Elaine Hook - Survivor of Domestic Abuse

Monday, 7 August 2017

Narcissistic Abuse

My abuse commenced over 30 years ago when I was just a young girl really and I had no idea what domestic abuse or violence was and had never heard of the word narcissism. I was a young career girl getting on with and enjoying life when I was plunged into a cesspit of abusive behaviours that have had devastating and lifelong damage on me the victim. I now use My Story and experience to help others in similar situations and endeavour to learn as much as possible about domestic abuse and violence and all associated areas.

My own Story of abuse is on this blog where you can read what happened to me and I am also writing a book about my abuse and the effects so I do not plan to repeat too much of that initial Story, nevertheless my abuse was vile and damaging and went on for a very long time and I have spent many years working on myself and healing.

So for those of you coming to my blog for the first time please take a look at My Story and other posts on my blog and please also read this new post I am about to write about the insidious and abhorrent effects of narcissism, narcissistic abuse and a narcissist.

The definition of Narcissism is:
An excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance

Psychology - Extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type

Psychoanalysis - Self-centeredness arising from the failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder

The definition of a Narcissist is:
 A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves
"Narcissists who think the world revolves around them"

The definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
 The hallmarks of NPD are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships. 

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an "injury" in the form of criticism or rejection. 
Unfortunately, I have been exposed to several Narcissists who have been extremely damaging individuals; grandiose, conceited, self-centered, self-absorbed and in love with their own idealized self- image.

Recently I was unlucky enough to come into contact with a narcissist and his “gang” of narcissists who tried desperately to discredit me and smear my highly reputed professional reputation for their own idealized self-image and professional gain. This is gaslighting, grooming and an abuse of power and is about greed and believing you are better than others and above those around you.

This recent Narcissist was a conversation hoarder, always talking about himself, speaking over me and interrupting me and not listening to me and my Story. He also violated boundaries and did not understand social norms and then told lies about me and tried to twist the truth by blaming me – this is gaslighting those around him in order that he didn’t crack or lose the mask that is his idealized self-image. You see a Narcissist cannot cope if anyone gets under or behind the idealized-self mask and if you do they will turn it around onto their victim and gaslight in order that you feel you are crazy or going insane. A Narcissist once caught out will do anything to save face; they have no empathy, conscience or feelings as to how this impacts the victim and their mental health.

Narcissists suffer False Image Projection and do many things to impress those around them to make themselves feel good. A narcissist uses people, objects, status and accomplishments (or not) without conscience in order to look and feel good about themselves; it is always only ever about them. A narcissist will use you romantically, sexually, socially, financially, materially, professionally, academically or culturally for their own gain (and this list is not exhaustive). It is only ever about the Narcissist being worthy of everyone’s admiration and acceptance. All the narcissists I have known display these traits and behaviours and used me and my good nature and taken me for granted, I am sure many of you can relate to what I am saying.

Narcissists have a sense of entitlement and expect preferential treatment and to be centre of attention. They are charming and charismatic and smooth talkers. They will often groom with love bombing and gifts to suck you in, once you are in their clutches the tables will turn and they will blame you, lie to you and take no responsibility for their sadistic behaviour. They are nothing but evil. When they lose interest in you or you call them out on their attitude, language or behaviour towards you that is when you see the real self and they will turn the tide on you and drop you like a brick leaving you confused and traumatised. They have got what they want from you and you are tossed aside like a piece of trash leaving you to pick up the pieces and try to make some sense of what has just happened and what (if anything) you did wrong. In fact, you have done nothing wrong, you have been groomed and gaslit by an evil and sadistic narcissist who has used and abused your good nature, sensitivities, care and kindness and has now left you traumatised all of which can lead to depression and PTSD.

Narcissists enjoy spreading rumours, gossip or negativity to gain attention and make themselves feel more powerful. They will throw a tantrum if you disagree with them or their views; they hate criticism and will respond an argument, cold detachment or ridicule and blame you. Mine recent Narcissist did all of the above and emotionally abused me by using my previous domestic abuse against me. This was a sick and the lowest form of narcissistic abuse and when I called him out on his behaviour he became defensive and even more patronising and emotionally abusive. Narcissists need to boost their own fragile ego, superego and id in order to feel good about themselves.

A narcissist will manipulate by pretending they are the victim and gaslighting and grooming those around them into believing you are the problem and that it is your behaviour that is the problem not theirs. The Narcissist is a very dangerous specimen of the human race and the only way to survive such abuse is to have no contact whatsoever with the Narcissist and try to recover. You may need some form of therapy from a registered therapist in your local area depending on the depth of damage.

Narcissistic Abuse
  1.  Incessantly talking about themselves
  2.  Overstepping boundaries
  3. Doesn’t like criticism; quick to anger; throws tantrums; bullying
  4. Lacks empathy & has no conscience
  5. Is always right
  6. Sense of entitlement
  7. Charming  groomer
  8. Will gaslight you
  9. False image projection
  10. Manipulative
  11. Liar and spreads rumours and gossip
  12. Dangerous and evil
My current and past Narcissistic Abusers (you know who you are) have all shown all of these traits, characteristics and behaviours and thank God I recognised this current narcissistic abuser early enough and stopped it but the fallout has been lengthy and damaging to my mental health yet again and unfortunately has triggered all my past abuse and put me in a bad place. I have asked for professional help and I am on the road to recovery again.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.


From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between by Gregory Zaffuto
How to Successfully Handle Narcissists by Preston Ni