Abuse Haunts us till the Grave

I wanted to touch on a subject that I have been thinking a lot about lately and that is – how trauma and memories of abuse (all types) can pop up years later and haunt us. I am sure you will understand when I say that “I think it is over” and then something pops out of the woodwork and throws you right back into the middle of the trauma suffered years ago.

I fled 17 years ago this November but just a month or so ago I was reminded how my perpetrator still attempts to control both me and my daughter from afar. He doesn’t know where I live now, I moved hundreds of miles away to a secret location. Very few people know where I am. He has no contact a with my daughter but nevertheless, he successfully got a message to me via a family member that he wanted to speak to and see his daughter, one last time because he felt he was dying. The family member called me and my daughter to relay the message as they felt “piggy in the middle” and guilty if he did die and he had not told either of us the message.

It’s called emotional blackmail.

Abuse of power and…

…coercive control by proxy.

Through others, family members, friends and acquaintances, my perpetrator tries to find a way to still control me and have contact with me. He will haunt and control me from the grave, I have no doubt.

My daughter fell apart and in turn, I fell apart. You see you think it’s over, that he cannot touch you anymore. He cannot hurt you or find you. I had fled for a second time, into hiding and relaxed into a way of life that was simple, quiet, stress-free and I was happy and content possibly for the first time in 17 years. But the perpetrator just “pops out the woodwork” and everything falls apart yet again.

My daughter and I (for different reasons) were right back in the abuse; right back over 20 years ago to the suffering and pain of being mistreated and abused. The guilt and shame regurgitated itself; seeing each other so upset was far worse that hearing from him. My trauma is often escalated when I see my daughter so traumatised; it’s very difficult as a mother to see your child in such an emotional turmoil. And for her, she hates to see me so traumatised so we both end up in this spiral of complex trauma and psychology endeavouring to help each other to overcome the pain. We both feel guilty for each other’s pain because we hate to see each other so upset not only because the perpetrator pops right up but because we are upset to see each other upset.

So for the disbelievers and the agencies that don’t listen hear understand or believe; for the judges and courts that do not understand coercive control and give light sentences or release perpetrators early, under license or with a community service order, I really need to get over the point to all of you reading this that my daughter and I live a life sentence because it never goes away. Releasing perpetrators early, giving community sentences, releasing perpetrators on tags or licences allows them, to not only carry on with their lives with no conscience but also to re-offend assault stalk or abuse the original victim again or move on to someone else.

So you disbelievers listen up, something always pops up, quite often for the rest of our days. It can be a smell, a sound, a piece of music, a place, a photograph, a voice or a telephone call (to name just a few) that will take us back to the very core of the abusive situation and traumatise us all over again, this is called secondary trauma. No matter how I try to avoid this from happening I cannot stop it; I have no control over it, it is like a force of nature that follows me wherever I go. I suffer from internalised anxiety when my perpetrator reappears and opens up old wounds. I shake and skin pick; my internal organs tremble and my heart has a pain in it so intense I think I am having a heart attack. My flight response is triggered and I often freeze, can’t think straight and suffer insomnia; it can days, even weeks to settle down again. The fight-or-flight response is also called hyperarousal or the acute stress response and is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. This is a natural reaction to long term and toxic trauma.

I am sure many of you reading this understand and get it and have similar responses to acute trauma and domestic abuse and violence. Nevertheless, by me sharing my personal story, my experiences and speaking out, maybe, just maybe, a judge, lawyer, detective, social worker or other individual working with domestic abuse and violence and child sexual abuse and exploitation will read this and begin to have some better understanding of the life sentence victims and survivors of DA/DV suffer through the insidious and vile acts and behaviour of narcissists who use coercion and grooming, gaslighting and love bombing, stalking and harassment to control.

@ed2inspire

24.05.17

elainehookeducationconsultancy.com 

Being Stalked

• Stalking is not flattering
• It is not love
• And it does not mean someone cares about you nor has your best interests at heart as many perpetrators would have their victims believe
• Stalking is insidious, terrifying, an abuse of power and often renders the victim hopeless

I have first-hand knowledge and feelings about stalking; I was stalked for three years. I also work daily with victims of stalking who bravely share their stalking nightmares with me and many are still being failed by the agencies today.

But first, let me enlighten the disbelievers about my own case which ended 17 years ago. I was stalked by my ex-husband for three years. He would appear anywhere I was and would always claim innocence and just do some shopping or whatever and disappear. He would send me text messages saying he knew where I was, what I was wearing etc. He would telephone constantly, say vile things and hang up. He would threaten to kill me and threaten to kidnap my daughter. I changed my number on numerous occasions but somehow he seemed able to find it again. We moved house several times but he found me again. I reported him and the behaviours to the police on numerous occasions but they did absolutely nothing. They advised me it was domestic and they could do nothing until he harmed me or attempted to take my daughter. Of course, he did none of those things because he was a charming, intelligent, eminent businessman and narcissist who knew the law and knew the boundaries he must keep to stop a caution or an arrest. Even with a restraining order and injunction, nothing was ever done. He broke the restraining order constantly and I eventually did not have the financial resources to keep going back to court. So I gave up. I managed my own life hiding and protecting me and my daughter and eventually I moved 400 miles away. He has no idea where I live now and only a handful of people do.

Just this past week I supported a family where a young child had been exploited and the perpetrator given a suspended sentence and community order and was rehoused by the local housing authority two streets away from the victim. They shopped in the same town. They kept bumping in to him. He was smug and smirked at them. The family had already been rehoused prior to the court case so when they asked to be moved again the council refused. A few days ago they put all their furniture into storage and fled from Yorkshire to Cornwall.

Another woman I supported was terrified as her ex-husband seemed to know where she was all the time. Knew who she was talking to on her mobile and knew where her car was constantly. He even knew what she was writing in her emails. Her perpetrator had purchased from the USA Apps and tracking devices and had installed them on her devices and was watching every move she made. It took forever to get help from the agencies and eventually she fled changed her devices, changed her name and sold her car. He does not know where she is now but no help from the agencies.

I could go on with many more cases but I’ll leave it there.

But the point I want to make is this. It is 17 years since my stalker finally got bored with me and then couldn’t find me but still today the education, knowledge, and understanding of stalking from the victims perspective is not adequate enough.  As with all abuse, coercive control, grooming, gas lighting and love bombing, in too many cases the agencies do not have enough in-depth knowledge and understanding from the victim’s perspective. The perpetrator often has more rights and support. This has to change. Seventeen years ago I was nearly going out of my mind with toxic trauma and PTSD due to domestic abuse, violence, and stalking and here I am today still supporting women and children suffering exactly the same challenges and very little has changed. No very very little has changed.

Like any form of abuse, there are individuals, communities, and agencies that never come into contact with any form of abusive behaviour and do not know the damage and trauma caused. Many do not even believe abuse goes on in their neighbourhoods. One woman said to me “does this really go on in leafy Buckinghamshire”. Agencies still do not take victims disclosures seriously and some still do not believe, many do not even listen. I work every day at ground level with victims and survivors of all forms of abuse and I am appalled by the lack of support and understanding still being launched at victims and survivors.

Unless some of us continue to speak up and out about not only our own stories and journeys but those of others we come into contact with and support nothing will ever change. I will not be silenced about my own journey; I was silenced for far too long. But I will also not be silenced about what I come across in my day to day work because far too many women and children are still be let down by the system and agencies.

Training in narcissistic sociopathic and psychopathic behaviours of the charming manipulators needs to be a priority for agencies and they would do well to use those of us that have experienced domestic abuse, violence, stalking and non-current child sexual abuse in their training sessions in order to hear first-hand the victims perspective and learn the depth of these insidious crimes.

Narcissists have no conscience and believe their own propaganda. They are charming upright citizens. The myth of the dirty old man in a mac behind a tree who none of us know or have ever seen before is a myth that needs to be put to rest once and for all. Most of us are abused or stalked by someone we know (or the family knows) and they are often well thought of by all those around them.

So I urge you to speak up about what really is happening, tell your stories, share your journeys, it not only liberates the victims and shifts a great weight and starts the healing process but it gives other courage and support to find their voice in order to again help others come forward.

I speak about abuse, will you...or will you stay silent and keep the secrets and lies of the perpetrator thus continuing to give power to the abuser? 

I urge you to think about this because we all know someone who has suffered or is suffering right now and who needs our support. Agencies will tell you thing have changed and it is better today, and it is marginally but there is still much more to be done and by speaking of what is really happening at ground level will help the stalking charities like...

https://www.actionagainststalking.org  

https://www.paladinservice.co.uk

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

https://www.stalkinghelpline.org

https://www.scaredofsomeone.org

to continue to campaign and fight for the rights of victims.

New Stalking Protection Orders - latest news:

http://services.parliament.uk/bills/2016-17/stalkingsentencing.html

http://www.cps.gov.uk/news/latest_news/stalking_protocol/

http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/

Victim Blaming

You don’t own me

Don’t change me in any way

You don’t own me

Don’t tie me down 'cause I’d never stay

I don’t tell you what to say

I don’t tell you what to do

So just let me be myself

That’s all I ask of you

Victim blaming is a devaluing act where the victim of a crime, an accident, or any type of abusive maltreatment is held as wholly or partially responsible for the wrongful conduct committed against them.  

definitions.uslegal.com

Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially responsible for the harm that befell them. Secondary victimisation is the re-traumatization of the sexual assault, abuse, or rape victim through the responses of individuals and institutions.

wikipedia.org

I was told by a therapist that my behaviour during my abuse assisted my abuser to continue to abuse me. It’s taken years for me to get that phrase out of my head and also to analyse and understand what she meant. Today I understand but do not wholly agree with her analysis. You see I knew no different; I mirrored my parents’ marriage which obviously I thought was normal but today I realise my parents’ marriage was a circumstance of the era and culture (1953) that had also been normalised for them because they mirrored their parents and grandparents. We learn from the people around us, our prime carers, those that are with us day to day and therefore I cannot take all the blame for the abuse I suffered. Consequently, if we grow up with prime carers and extended family that are abusers over time this becomes normalised, you see we do not know what goes on in others family homes, so what we see and know in our own homes is how our brain patterns our own "normal". Victims of abuse then spend years undoing and un-patterning beliefs and behaviours that actually are not normal. I found that the emotional and psychological trauma of "finding out" that my "normal" was a lie was worse than any physical abuse. The betrayal of loved ones who should have cared for me loved me unconditionally and kept me safe was almost too much to bear. The epiphany of waking up to this betrayal and knowledge, and understanding that because of a lie, I went on to marry my abuser and didn't recognise or see the red flags right in front of me because my "normal" was all I knew.

My abuser also learnt from his parents, grandparents and family around him too and due to a certain amount of dysfunction and lack of parenting he grew up with a warped view of life, marriage, parenting and fatherhood. His brain had also been patterned to think his upbringing and home life was "normal". The way he treated me is the way he had been treated all his life from a small boy but this has taken me the best part of twenty years to unpick all this. The brains of victims of acute trauma wire differently; it can be a lifetime of unpicking and unravelling what happened to us and some of us are never able to unpick all the levels of trauma inflicted on us.

Friends also victim blame; I lost serval close and important lifelong friends due to my abuse. They didn’t believe me, they believed him. He was able to continue to bluff some friends with his "charm" and they were gaslit and groomed to believe that I had made up my abuse because I "wanted the attention" before he went on to tell others "I had been sectioned". Disbelieving the victim’s story and minimising the severity of the abuse is secondary victimisation and causes many forms of mental health issues, e.g. post-traumatic stress disorder and complex post-traumatic stress disorder, dissociation, bipolar disorder and in many cases leads to substance abuse, self-harm, eating disorders and in some cases, suicide.

Victims of abuse do not need you or the community to blame them, they already feel guilt, shame, betrayal, anger – victims of abuse of any description do not need any of you to rub it in because they already feel bad enough. Our perpetrators have spent years grooming and gaslighting us to believe we are to blame and worthless; that our behaviour and responses to their behaviour make us somehow the guilty party. I was raised to believe you worked on a marriage, that you forgave and forgot, that tomorrow is a new day – so what did I do – I did just that and I got up the following morning after being subjected to his vile words and forgave, forgot and just got on with it. But I never told my abuser until just before I fled, that I hated the way he spoke to me and hated the way he treated me.

By this time it was too late, I did not love him anymore and certainly did not like him, I was done and nothing in his power or on this earth was going to change my mind. Once I saw the light and made up my mind, it was interesting how I took back my power and he became weak and clutching at straws he tried to bad mouth me and discredit me. He continued for three plus years to try to make me out to be something I am not. He was scrabbling around in the gutter for anything that would make him feel good about himself, you see once I had left he had lost one hell of a chunk of power.

The community victim blames all the time; the stigma and contamination we have to live with as a victim of sexual assault or abuse. There is the stigma of being a single mum; the stigma of being divorced and the stigma of being poor; the stigma of being a victim of rape and child sexual abuse. We are looked upon differently and treated differently but blaming us the victims, releases the perpetrator and abuser, who has committed the violence, from the responsibility of what he or she has done. Blaming the victim plays into the hands of the abuser, they continue to have the power. Society needs to wake up to the fact that it is the abuser who is to blame and society needs to put the blame in the rightful place, with the perpetrator.

It’s so easy to blame the victim but let me give you a few myths around victim blaming:

• No one wants to be abused, raped or assaulted
• No one deserves to be abused
• No one leaves a long marriage or partner on a whim
• No one wants to put their children through a messy divorce
• No one wants their children to see them be assaulted
• Few individuals lie about abuse, rape or assault

So stop focusing on the victim and focus on the abuser; the abuser is the one who must carry the blame. No one asks to be abused, raped or assaulted and no one deserves it either under any circumstances. We need to dispel the myths that we can just get over it or he or she must have done something to deserve the abuse. The abuser is to blame – fact.

“...the study findings suggests that we want to be sympathetic and focus on victims and outpour our sympathy, but that might actually lead us to focus so much on victims and what they could have done differently that we actually neglect to focus on the perpetrators and what they potentially could have done differently”

Laura Niemi, a postdoctoral associate in psychology at Harvard University

We also need to dispel the myth that many victims of abuse disclose their stories with the sole aim of obtaining compensation – untrue – fact. Most victims of abuse just want justice; just want to be believed and see their abuser named and shamed and convicted of the insidious crime that has been committed. Let’s concentrate on the abuser, give our energy to outing abusers, if we do not do this we are complicit, we allow them to hold on to the power. Let’s speak up for victims and break this chain, break the silence, break the cycle. The time is now, so many coming forward, so many speaking up and out, so will you think about all I have said and join me on this International Women’s Day and raise your voices and save at least one victim of abuse.

So never tell me I must have behaved in a way that made my abuser abuse me because I didn’t. Never tell me I am to blame because I didn’t stand up to him or tell him I didn’t like his behaviour because he should have known his behaviour was disgusting and disrespectful. Never tell me I was too sensitive or imagined it or was paranoid because I wasn’t. Never tell me I must have deserved it because I didn’t; never tell me I lied because I didn’t. Never tell me I should have stayed because I couldn’t. Never tell me I betrayed my abuser by leaving because it was he who betrayed me, he who let me down; he abused his power and took advantage of my good nature and personality and abused me in every way possible till he almost broke me. But…

For every last bruise, you gave me

For every time I sat in tears

For the million ways, you hurt me

I just want to tell you this

You broke my world, made me strong

Thank you

Messed up my dreams, made me strong

Thank you

Jamelia

@ed2inspire

08.03.17

Resilience – and how we cope

Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune, adversity or change; strength of character; the ability to bounce back

 www.dictionary.com

Resilience is the ability to cope and rise to the day to day challenges, problems and setbacks that we meet in the course of our lives and come back stronger. It is a challenge, isn’t it? Every day it is a challenge. After trauma of any kind, depression, mental health difficulties, substance abuse, bereavement, divorce, domestic abuse and/or violence and child sexual abuse it can feel impossible to “bounce back” – as the definition above suggests.

How do we come back stronger, where do we find the energy and inclination to “bounce” back and why do some of us have the strength, courage and wherewithal to do this and others do not. It is said that individuals of resilience think and do things differently, e.g. they believe there are only mistakes, have a well-balanced outlook and believe there are also rich interesting and beautiful things to enjoy in life. It's a challenge, isn't it? To constantly find interesting and beautiful things to appreciate on our life's journey can be challenging, but it's the trying every day that is important here. If we can, it's important to endeavour to find something to appreciate in our lives each day, e.g. our children, Spring emerging, friends, peace, contentment.

So how did I “bounce” back after three breakdowns, five major surgeries, a very messy divorce and twenty years of domestic abuse? I haven’t thought about this very much till now but recently I have been interested in what makes a survivor as opposed to a thriver or warrior. I consider myself a survivor and a thriver and on occasion a warrior. I still fall backwards sometimes and I realise now that is ok but generally, I have the resilience to thrive and more often these days I am a warrior. I have really had to delve deep to analyse how I have "bounced" back after each trial, tribulation and breakdown, but I have. 

How did I do this?

Most of the time I am positive; most of the time I have a faith and belief that things will be ok and that I will survive whatever is thrown in my path. Most of the time I trust in the universe and the bigger picture and most of the time I believe there is a lesson to be learnt out of every challenge, hardship and difficulty thrown my way. I believe that out of every challenge there is something positive to take from it and learn in order to move forward. I believe I was put on this earth for a mission and to make a difference; I believe I have a calling to give back and leave an incy wincy legacy (if I can). I believe I owe it to my daughter to role model a strong competent intelligent but compassionate and empathetic woman with strong morals and ethics. And quite naturally I am a positive person (most of the time).

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy in any shape or form, that doesn’t mean I have any superior qualities or that I have a magic solution. There have been dark moments and very dark periods of time. Just like you, I have to work on myself every day and believe me there is still much work to do. I have to learn to trust much more but this is a daily exercise; I have to believe I am worthy and continue to increase my self-respect just to name a few of the areas that need more work. No one is perfect, least of all me, but at challenging times I try to stop and reflect, think and assess; recognise the red flags whenever and wherever I can and ask myself what can I learn from this. And I have learned to appreciate the little things in life, e.g. the birth of spring flowers, birds feeding on my bird feed, purple heather covering the moors, a quiet dinner with those I love.

To assist us in, working towards or achieving resilience, we have to draw on different skills and a variety of sources of help including rational thinking, physical and mental health and relationships around us in order to grow and become resilient. Resilience is not necessarily about overcoming challenges in our lives but more about how we tackle and deal with them as they are thrown at us. We all face challenges every day, big and small, that ask us to call on our reserves of resilience and we work it out without too much thinking but it's the big challenges and trauma that take more resilience, skills and mental health to help us survive, thrive and become those warriors.

There are four basic ingredients to resilience:

·         Awareness – noticing what is going on around us and inside our heads

·         Thinking – being able to interpret events that are going on in a rational way

·         Reaching Out – how we call upon others to help us meet the challenges that we face because resilience is also about knowing when to ask for help

·         Fitness – our mental and physical ability to cope with challenge whilst staying healthy

So on reflection, I now understand that many of my challenges thrown at me over my lifetime have been training and preparation for the next chapter of my life book or journey. On learning my father had young onset Multiple Sclerosis and in turn having a breakdown I learned how to be and work with children and adults with multiple learning difficulties and disabilities. After my spinal fusion, I was lifted quite literally because I learnt I cleared the bar in the high jump at school even though I endured a life-threatening accident, funnily enough, I was ecstatic! After my very messy divorce and domestic abuse, I was able to get up, hold down a job and function because I had my beautiful daughter to take care of and be a good role model too. One thing in the last twenty-eight years that keeps me surviving and thriving is being a good mother; without my daughter, there would be little to get up for each day. I also would not be able to do the difficult work I now do, working with victims, survivors and thrivers of all forms of abuse and exploitation if I had not felt what it is like to be abused. 

There are a variety of things that enable us to “bounce” back at challenging and traumatic times. Remembering that we are all different, our beliefs and thought processes play a huge part in increasing our resilience as do the help, support and positive relationships around us. Surrounding ourselves with positivity and positive people who bring the best out in us, finding our corner of peace and seeing the beauty in what we have got and achieved rather than what we have lost are all important areas of life that help create and grow resilience. But it is not easy and we all have the right to grow and create our resilience at our own pace; it is not an easy task and working on it every day is all we can do. Everyone has much work to do and that is ok. When we experience complex and toxic trauma our brains change and they wire and pattern differently. Toxic stress is when there is prolonged stress in the absence of protective relationships and consequently the brain will shut down to protect us and it. During toxic stress obviously, the brain continues to work but its rate of growth slows right down and the younger the brain (for example childhood) the more damaging the effects of continual and/or perpetual toxic stress. The long-term effects of toxic stress will differ according to the age and stage of development.

It is imperative for everyone to understand and accept that we will all become resilient or more resilient in our own time, space and pace and according to the depth of trauma, abuse, anxiety and exposure to toxic stress. Remember this is your journey, not mine, not anyone else’s. No one should be telling us when to heal or how. No one should be expecting high levels of resilience if we are not ready. We all have to find our own way, and healing can take many forms and many pathways. We will travel hills and dales, negotiate crossroads and T-junctions and navigate oceans and streams finding our own sense of peace, belonging and sanctuary and however long it takes you and whichever road you choose, remember it is your way in your own time and that really is ok.

@ed2inspire

03.03.17

Research

www.skillsyouneed.com

www.greenspacecoaching.com

http://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-stress/ 

Love Bombing – what is it and what it feels like?

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. 

Wikipedia

Love Bombing is a seductive tactic that is used when someone who is manipulative tries to control the relationship with bombs brimming with “love” right from day one.

elephantjournal.com

Love bombing is so called because of the constant bombardment of communication from the sociopath.

Datingasociopath.com

Love bombing is an all-encompassing exhaustive campaign of flattery that bombs the target with non-stop positive reinforcement.

Psychopathsandlove.com

Ten years ago I was bombarded by, what I realise now was a psychopath, who over a period of two years sent me a continuous campaign of flattering texts, emails and telephone calls. I only met him in late 2005 and this is what I received come January 2006.

Good morning

I am so happy

Knowing you are the woman I want to marry and call my wife

29.01.06

After leaving an abusive marriage I was vulnerable but  I thought, three years later that I was healed and had found the love of my life. I have never received such wonderful words from anyone before. On reflection, I realise we were not a very demonstrative family. Although my childhood was happy, an outward showing of feelings and love was limited and my first marriage was abusive. This narcissistic sociopathic man I had come into contact with online on a dating site filled a void with lovely words.

In fact, I think I love you too much

But you know what

I don’t care

So long as you love me too

Won't ever break your heart

Can't wait to be with you

13.02.06

I was blown away, infatuated and addicted to the words not him. His love bombing felt like love and I thought I was in love. It's taken 10 years and a tremendous amount of work on myself to understand and accept what happened to me. I was duped, manipulated and love bombed.

What lies behind us?

What lies before us?

Are tiny matters

Compared to what lies within us

Remember always that I love you

08.03.06

What greater flattery than to have someone who adores you and thinks you are the best thing they have ever known. What greater flattery to believe that this person believes they too have found the love of their life and they will “love you forever and never hurt you or make you sad.”

Sherlock Holmes was an idiot

Robert Watt was a fool

Other inventors were all worth nothing

Cos none of them discovered you

I am the genius, cos I found you

25.05.06

I fell hook, line and sinker. I fell head over heels in love; I wanted to believe that this was what love was really like. I wanted to believe that there were good people out there and that there was someone who would see the best in me and love me unconditionally. He came over as loving and caring, trustworthy and loyal and he even agreed he had the same values, ethics, dreams and goals as me. As he states in his text above, yes he was a genius, a genius in manipulation, brainwashing and a genius in lying and not only lying to me but also to himself. He was and is a psychopath.

On my honour, I promise to love you now and forever

You are my life

No man wants to trade anything

And I cannot afford to trade you

You are my life

I’ll love you now and forever

23.06.06

He promised to love me forever, "till death us do part." But he didn’t; he used and abused me in order to obtain a Visa to the UK. He became violent and financially abusive, not contributing adequately to the household finances but sending money to his mother, buying clothes, endless pairs of shoes and going out with his friends. I became a thorn in his side and was not invited to visit with his friends.

You are the best woman on earth

The best in my life

You are my world, my future

I love you baby and I won't ever stop loving you

I will hold you so tight tonight

05.07.06

Realising and accepting you have been lied to and betrayed by someone who was supposed to love and care about you is devasting. For it to happen twice is doubly excruciating. I was traumatised and suffered nightmares, flashbacks, depression, chronic migraine, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder (PTRD).  He didn’t care, because just like trash I was cast aside, used and abused, thrown to the sharks and had to somehow save myself.

We are two different people

But I can't imagine my world without you

Why do I think about you so much

That it drives me crazy

I love you

24.08.06

The red flags I should have picked up on were the intensity and rapid pace of the relationship.  But also it was the space I was in at the time. This sociopath caught me at one of my most vulnerable places – leaving and recovering from an abusive marriage of 25 years. I also have to reflect on my childhood as my father was volatile and aggressive and there were little demonstrative love and emotional intelligence shown to me who anyone else in the home. I was not used to this rapid and intense love bombing and unfortunately for me “it felt so good.”

Remember love bombing goes hand in hand with gaslighting, grooming, coercive control and all forms of abuse including sexual as well as child sexual abuse and exploitation. It is used to manipulate the victim into believing that they are deeply loved, special and extremely valuable to the perpetrator. Love bombing is not just used in adult to adult relationships but also adult to child or young person and parent to child/grandparent to child. Love bombing is an insidious part of the abuse and is embedded in every type of abuse and forms part of coercive control and manipulation. 

Perpetrators who use love bombing are usually sociopathic, narcissistic and psychopathic and know exactly what they are doing because it is all about them, for their own gain and theirs alone. Love bombing can happen to you whoever you are, whatever gender, sexual orientation, culture, social standing and age - it is one of the basic needs of a perpetrator and forms the basis for silence and secrets as some abusers rely on their victims to love them or fall in love with them. 

I leave you with this email my perpetrator wrote to me in the very early days of his love bombing:

Honey

Let me start by saying that I thank God every night since I found you. You came into my life when everything seemed so dark but you provided the light to find my way. I've never been so certain of anything in my life like I am of us. You have totally changed my outlook on life and I thank you for that. I never thought that someone could love me like you do, but guess what? I love you that much too. I feel as if I'm walking over clouds just thinking about you. You make my life complete. I know you've said we could do foolish things while in love, but you know what? With you, I wouldn't mind being a fool for the rest of my life. I love you so much and I know you love me too. I know that others looking into our relationship might think that we're saying too many foolish things but they just don't know how we feel about each other. There's nothing foolish about the things I've told you, I meant every word I said. I love you. I would do anything for you. Today I promise you that I would do anything in my power to be a great person, outstanding father and a loving husband for you.

I LOVE YOU!!

If this letter doesn't reach its destination, send it to heaven 'cause it was meant for an angel.

Love you loads

xxx

Love bombing is also an insidious part of Immigration Marriage Fraud which is more prevalent in the UK than individuals believe and still relatively unrecognised fully by the Home Office and UK Border Authorities. Immigration Marriage Fraud, love bombing, coercive control and every other form of abusive behaviours are very difficult to prove in the UK court of law. 

See my other blog post: 
http://averyenglishmrsteacup.blogspot.co.uk/2016/10/immigration-marriage-fraud.html 

The text messages and letter shared in the post are the actual love bombing that I received from my sociopathic abuser just 10 years ago. There are hundreds more; I would receive a minimum of three texts per day over a two year period, that equates to a minimum of 2,184 texts – but it was much much more, I have three notebooks full – you see I recorded everyone.

@ed2inspire

19.02.17

Disclosure – What it can feel like

Let me tell you what it feels like to disclose; to share my story, to disclose my abuse, to talk about it and to let you in. Disclosing to some random person or even all of you here reading this was and has been hugely difficult and challenging over time. So let me try and explain to you what disclosure can look and feel like. The years and years of build up to disclosing are toxic and damaging; holding onto trauma can damage the brain, relationships and cause many disorders, for example, PTSD and cPTSD, DID and other mental health disorders. Some victims and survivors of abuse turn to substances, alcohol and can lose everything and end up on the streets homeless. We refer to survivors as such as some do not make it, some sadly pass away and some commit suicide, some of those who survive campaign to help others and raise awareness of this insidious crime and the long lasting life-long damage of abuse.  

So let me educate you as to what the build up to disclosing feels like...

So let me tell you why I feel blue, why I lost trust and why I was bust. Why decades of shame, blame, silence and tears, living in fear, embarrassed and guilt-ridden, I was a hostage and hidden. I felt worthless and frightened, marginalised, an outsider looking in. I had been sucked in by a charmer, lied to by a groomer, coerced by a narcissist, gaslit by a psychopath. Life has been sad; I even asked if I was really bad.

I have been lost at a heavy cost, I became invisible, haunted with a miserable soul and my heart and spirit broken, my voice was taken; you see my abuser spoke for me. I thought I was smart but even I fell apart. Abuse is abysmal; it is a sick excuse for silence and secrets, threats and fear, exclusion and segregation, rejection and elimination. We become nobodies encased in guilt & shame and the damage is life-long, we never forget.

He held my head against a wall, took me by the throat, pulled me along by my hair and pushed me till I fell with his flying fists. His evil words flowed like fjords which damaged my psyche and he thought he would break me. My confidence was destroyed; I was embarrassed, ashamed, dirty, unclean, muted, unseen; my personality stripped, I was controlled and gripped, my sanity was blown, my mind not my own. I was told I am paranoid and it was all in my imagination. My brain was fried and my inner child died; I never cried, you see I couldn’t my tears had run dry, I was completely cried out. Is it really me? Would I ever be free?

I lived like a zombie and life was lonely; I was encased in a fog my body trapped in a bog. I was being sucked under by quicksand and manipulated by his hands. Isolated, kidnapped, and taken hostage in my own home; invisible, unseen, all I wanted to do was hide, my heart had died. The pain and trauma left me in a coma; the lethargy was indescribable…please let me sleep till I see next world, let me die; take me now anything but these lies and mental abuse.

I was angry, confused, cynical and scared; triggers the worst, flashbacks a curse. Sleepless nights and nightmare fights. The foetal position kept me safe; you see I took no chances from his unwanted advances so I barricaded the bedroom door trying to protect my inner core. You see I was not consenting which for him was degrading.

All this a secret behind closed doors, a door he held the key to, quite literally. A charade played out privately, I must behave publicly. Mustn’t cause any doubt of this big fat lie, we don’t want neighbours to pry. But back home I get the stick, a fist or a barrage of words. Who’s going to believe me and give some reprieve, there’s no one who knows because it’s too outlandish, scandalous, and outrageous; too taboo this dirty word called abuse. You see no one talks about this ghastly stuff because it’s too uncomfortable, it doesn’t happen at others tables.

Outwardly I look fine; my façade in place, lipstick shining nothing is ever out of place. My persona flawless, polished & gleaming but underneath there is a pain so deep that I am trying desperately to escape. The pain goes to the core of my being and that damage is life-long and, I believe, can never be fully healed although the past is past and I now live in the moment – not the past or the future – the moment.

Disclosure is the hardest act, and that’s a fact; to open up and share my dirty laundry, my personal story with all of you, for all of you to share, have a pop at, an opinion and a judgement, even discuss embarrassing and shameful, makes me feel dirty and unclean, muted and unseen. People see me differently now and I am different, I can never to be the same again, how can I and nor should I and I shouldn’t have to explain to you or anyone what it feels like to be abused.

So, don’t tell me to get over it or move on; don’t tell me to forget it or it’s in the past because let me tell you it’s impossible. What most survivors need are someone who listens and believes and who can scoop you up and believe in you; can give a hug and smile and a cuppa tea. If this is possible there’s a small chance of healing and a small chance of hope and peace, of breaking the cycle and the pattern. There is a chance of a brighter future, a chance of peace of mind and a chance of being somebody again and a chance we can find a safer place to live and breathe in solace.

Now you know a little of what it feels like to suffer decades of abuse and then have to tell some random stranger in a uniform, your journey of abuse, over and over, somewhere clinical because they decide that’s the best way to disclose. And when you do find the time to listen to me, you have no excuse to disbelieve or doubt my words or feelings, question my mental health or my historic sexual activity. What you do have to do is listen, hear, believe and care about me. You have no excuse or reason to disbelieve me or anyone else who finds the strength and courage to disclose their story of abuse.

Never judge a child, teenager, young person, adult or the elderly whether they be male or female, of any gender, social standing or culture who have suffered abuse - historic or current, sexual or otherwise, domestic violence or abuse or not. Consider how challenging it is to speak, possibly as long as three score years and ten later about an evil perpetrator that abused them as a child.

Remember others may never tell or my find the courage, beat the shame and tell someone safe before their passing. We must honour the brave that comes forward and disclose this insidious crime who have the courage to speak out to endeavour to make changes to current systems, laws and procedures in order to safeguard current and future generations of children and young people.

So when someone discloses their horrific abuse have the decency and respect to believe them.

The greatest gift you can give a victim or survivor of abuse is to believe them.

This is a small precis of my talk about Disclosure in Antrobus, Cheshire with @VoicingCSA on Saturday 11th February 2017. To see the full talk please go to: 

Voicing CSA Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/pg/voicingcsa/about/?ref=page_internal

Website: https://.voicingcsa.uk

Email: at contact@voicingcsa.co.uk 

Twitter: @voicingcsa



On Saturday 12th February 2017  I was lucky enough to meet and spend time with actor Chris Harper at the Escape Charity Event at Old Trafford VIP Suite, Manchester. Chris currently plays the role of groomer "Nathan" in Coronation Street; as Nathan, he will go on to groom Bethany over the next few weeks.  I spent quality time discussing my own story of grooming, gaslighting and coercive control with Chris in order to assist him with his research in his role as a paedophile and perpetrator of abuse.

You can read the article/interview with Chris Harper  in the Sunday Mirror today (12.02.2017) where, as an Ambassador, he supports charity  Voicing CSA and shares a small part of my story here: 

http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/coronation-street-star-reveals-met-9800715

@ed2inspire

12.02.17