Sexual & Abusive Predators - Disqualification by Association

What does it mean?

Disqualification under the Childcare Act 2006 - Updated February 2015

The arrangements set out in the guidance are additional to the arrangements in place to safeguard and promote the welfare of all children set out in Keeping Children safe in Education (KCSIE), the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS) and in Working Together to Safeguard Children.

The Childcare Disqualifications Regulations 2009

Disqualification Criteria

Section 2 / Point e :

The criteria for disqualification under the 2006 Act and 2009 Regulations include those set out in the list below:

e.         living in the same household where another person who is disqualified lives or is employed (disqualification ‘by association’) as specified in regulation 9 of the 2009 Regulations

See link below for full government document and guidance:

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/414345/disqual_stat-guidance_Feb_15__3_.pdf

Statutory guidance is issued by law; you must follow it unless there’s a good reason not to. 

See link below for further details:

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/disqualification-under-the-childcare-act-2006

Please also see:

Debbie Alcock’s Article here:

Stopping Disqualification by Association is Madness

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/stopping-disqualification-association-madness-debbie-alcock?trk=hb_ntf_MEGAPHONE_ARTICLE_POST

Please also see her book here: http//neytco.co.uk/shop/barred

And I totally agree with Debbie.

Stopping Disqualification by Association is not just madness, it is absolutely foolhardy and irresponsible by all individuals and agencies involved with safeguarding children.

But I wish to take this further based on my safeguarding, child protection and exploitation work:

Sexual and abusive predators are extremely manipulative individuals. They will seek out their prey and spend days, months and sometimes years grooming their victim as well as family and friends surrounding their victim. Often victims do not even understand or recognise that they are, or have been groomed; until they are sucked in so deep it is impossible to get out.

By the time they realise what has been, and is, happening they will be living with so much fear that some will never be able to tell or disclose the abuse they are suffering. Perpetrators will use grooming; gaslighting, coercion and control to convince their victim that everything is tickety boo. Perpetrators use lies, fear, threats and gaslighting to ensure their victims keep their secrets.

Secrecy, silence, lies, fear and “no one will believe you if you tell” are a perpetrators “best friend”.  In fact they are the “best friend” of any abusive perpetrator. That is what they depend on. That is why they spend months and years grooming everyone. Love bombing and gifts help to keep the victim quiet and loyal to their groomer and perpetrator. A victim of any abuse but especially sexual, will find it almost impossible to cut loose from their predator. Remember many victims will be reliant on their predator.

Consequently, some victims will cover up for their abuser due to fear, threats or even physical violence. Some victims will not even know or realise they are living with a perpetrator or abuser. Some victims may not have been told that they live with a registered sex offender. The sex offender is a good liar, remember.

I worked on several such cases when I was a nursery manager. One victim had no idea until her house was raided and he had moved on to his next victim and a five year old disclosed at school. Another victim lived with so much abuse and fear she didn’t even realise she needed to disclose. Another case I worked on was where the perpetrator had been married three times, each time seeking out a younger partner with younger children. You see very young children are often unable to disclose in language only behaviour. Sadly, throughout my long career of over 30 years in education, I have worked in some very challenging settings and on some very sad and difficult cases within child protection and safeguarding.

So “Stopping Disqualification by Association” is actually more than madness if we are hell bent on safeguarding children. If we are serious about safeguarding children from sexual predators and abuse Disqualification by Association should actually be increased not reduced or stopped. Signing a declaration will not stop these narcisstic, sociopathic, psychopaths from seeking out vulnerable individuals whom they can groom, but it goes some way to helping. It also means that if there is to be a case heard in law and an individual has lied on their declaration there is a case to be heard.

Remember: the statutory guidance is issued by law; and you must follow it unless there is good reason not to.

In my professional opinion you would need “a very good” reason not to want an individual to declare in a written statement to your childcare organisation or school that they live with a registered sex offender.

And as a mother I would want to know that my child was safe is any childcare setting and that the staff had done everything possible to ensure my child was safe. I would also want to know that if an applicant or member of staff was living with a registered sex offender that those staff had followed the law in asking for a declaration. Predators will do anything possible to get to a child. Partners of predators may even gather the information for the sex offender. We must never forget the Vanessa George case and serious case review. Vanessa George worked in a nursery and took photographs of babies and young children and forwarded them to pedophile/s and a pedophile ring. Vanessa George, if you like, was the perpetrators stooge. She was gathering the information for the predator/s. There are victims out there, who through fear, will also gather information and photographs for predators.

Those that are not registered sex offenders are out there and are slipping through the net as I write this and child abuse of every description is happening in every street, it could be happening right now next door to you. So, in order to protect our children to the very best of our ability we need to speak up and out about this insidious crime and not be afraid to tackle it head on. If we do not shout about it with the confidence of professionals with a “duty of care” to safeguard children then I believe we are complicit in covering up for these devious individuals who have no conscience.

Please view my LinkedIn Profile for verification of my background and work here: 

https://uk.linkedin.com/in/elainehook 

You can find the government consultation here: 

https://consult.education.gov.uk/school-employment-division/childcare-disqualification-arrangements

The consultation closes on 1st July 2016 be sure to complete before the closing date.

13.05.16
@ed2inspire

Children Witnessing Domestic Abuse

"My daddy was special when I was little. He was kind and took me to school and the park. He played with me and bought me presents. With mummy we spent happy days together. We all went on Easter egg hunts and put the tree up together at Christmas. I remember having special birthday parties with mummy and daddy and all my friends. Mummy always made my birthday cakes in my favourite cartoon characters. My daddy worked hard and mummy looked after me. I swam and went to after school clubs like ballet which I loved. But something changed when I was about 7 years old. My daddy lost his job and then he became mean to mummy. They were always arguing. He shouted a lot at mummy and me. He didn't spend much time with us anymore. Nothing was the same. Mummy became very sad and she cried most of the time. We didn't do anything together as a family anymore or go out very much. Mummy slept a lot and didn't look like my mummy anymore. She was always tired, grumpy and sad. I was scared. I thought I had done something wrong and I asked mummy if I made her sad. She said "no" but I didn't believe her. I asked her if I made daddy mad, she again said "no". I became sad too and spent a lot of time alone and in my room. I didn't understand why things had changed. One day daddy hit mummy and she hid in the wardrobe. I was so scared because I couldn't find her. I thought I had lost her and wondered who would take care of me. I didn't want to stay with daddy cause he was always shouting and cross. He scared me. When I eventually found mummy she was sobbing so hard and I cuddled and cuddled her to make her feel better. I just wanted it all to stop and mummy to be happy again. One day mummy said we were leaving. She said we had to go quickly and quietly and not tell anyone. I was scared again. I didn't want to leave my toys but I also didn't want mummy to leave me behind. I never saw my home or toys again for many years. I didn't spend much time with my daddy after that. My daddy continued to shout at my mummy down the phone and mummy still cried a lot. Even though we had left it didn't stop. Mummy began to be a little better and not so sad. I remember it took along time for things to get better and I will never forget how it all made me feel."

Children who suffer and witness domestic abuse suffer too, often, just like the victim, for a lifetime. The memories do not go away. The loss does not go away. It's just like a bereavement and the healing process is the same. It takes time, support and understanding. It may take many hours and months of effective counselling. Children who witness or suffer any form of abuse, suffer trauma and the after effects for life. Trauma changes the wiring of the brain and we learn protective behaviours which are not always healthy. Young children's brains are malleable and consequently trauma has a huge impact on their future and life experiences and how they view the world and those living in it. Witnessing domestic abuse and/or violence changes how we interact with others and intimate relationships. Suffering any form of abuse has the same effect. 

Suffering abuse and trauma of any kind between the ages of 0-6 is particularly dangerous as very young children cannot verbalise threatening or dangerous events or incidents like an adult would be able to. Any event that threatens a young child's safety or their parents safety can cause early childhood trauma which can and will have an effect on them as an adult. Physical or sexual abuse, domestic violence, natural disasters, accidents, war, loss of a parent and/or painful or severe medical procedures will, in most cases, cause early childhood trauma.

Research has shown us that it is essential for children to have a reliable, positive, caring and protective caregiver around them. A consistent protective caregiver is an essential 
resource for children and young people to feel safe. It is imperative that they encourage communication about the child or young persons experience and reassurance that the adults in their life are consistently working to keep them safe.

Tips:
1. Get moving - exercise can help
2. Do not isolate - surround yourself with positive empathetic individuals
3. Self regulate - mindful breathing, stay grounded and feel
4. Take care of your health - get plenty of sleep and eat well

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm

Support is the crucial factor after trauma. Be patient, understanding and offer practical help where you can. Role model positive behaviour and assure the child or young person it is normal to feel scared, sad and upset. Do not pressurise anyone into talking or telling their story; let them talk when and if they wish to. Do nice things together, find relaxing hobbies or just eat cake and have a cuppa tea together, at home or out and about. We all react to traumatic situations and incidents differently so remember, there is no "one size fits all". Have empathy, compassion and do not judge or stereotype. Just be there. Just be there.

14.04.16

Letting You Go

For 2920 days I loved you.Every single moment of every single day for 2920 days I loved you with all my heart. I stood by you when times were tough and even unbearable. I gave to you unconditionally emotionally and physically. I stood by you even when I had nothing and knew I should stop but I still supported you and I stayed. From the very beginning I forgave you, believed in you and embraced everything about you, even when friends and family did not. I believed I saw something in you that no one else saw, how wrong I was. It was me that knew you the best, right? Stupidly, I gave you a second chance and then a third and fourth and more. I trusted you and thought you would never lie to me again. I trusted that you meant all the promises you made. How wrong I was? 

I gave you everything I had, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I gave you so much it broke me, physically and emotionally. I thought if I walked away I would once again have nothing and nobody except a broken heart and eight wasted years. I believed I had no other choice but to stay. I made excuses for you and your behaviour to family and friends. I was too understanding - caving, bending and breaking every moment of 2920 days to suit your needs. I just wanted to make you happy to the detriment of making me happy. I dismissed every red flag, deal breaker and compromised my standards in order to make you happy. I thought you would change one day and fucking love me as much as I loved you. But you didn't. I wanted you to fucking choose me first, like I did you. I wanted you to think I was worth it. I wanted you to care for me the way I cared for you. But you didn't. Your never did because you couldn't.

In loving you, I stopped loving me. I stopped doing the things that I loved and being with the people I loved. Loving you was all consuming. Overpowering. Unhealthy. Loving was hard work and you took every ounce of my emotions and energy; thought processes and being. In doing this I lost myself. I didn't know how to be me anymore. I didn't even recognise me. You need to know I stayed and I continued to love you but I stayed for far too long. So long that I was broken. So long I couldn't function. So much wasted time on you. I ignored family and friends advice and I stayed way too long. In staying and loving you I forgot how to love and choose myself. I stopped loving me and taking care of me. I hadn't spent money on me, totally me for eight long years. I was too busy caring for you. I was convinced I deserved you. I believed all the pain was worthwhile because one day you would love me like I loved you.

But that day I asked you to leave was the best day. I deleted and destroyed everything that was you. All the memories (good and bad) had to go in order for me to successfully choose me. In order for me to look after me, your ghost had to go. In order for me to be me again, you had to be eradicated. This was the only way. Every moment that I don't choose you, I get stronger, happier, wiser, more fulfilled. The day you left was the best choice I made for a very long time. That day, one day, will be a distant memory and one day I will find someone to love me that way I deserve to be loved. But for now, for the moment, choosing to eradicated you makes me strong, happy and wise and the me I deserve to be.

03.04.16

Inspired by the amazing article by Linda Greyman on The Minds Journal http://themindsjournal.com/the-day-i-stopped-choosing-you/

What is Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (PTRS) ?

In the past I have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after a near fatal car accident (that wasn't my fault, I have to add) in Scotland and where the authorities and my ex-husband set me up (another story, or blog, one day). I suffered nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, panic attacks and palpitations, to name a few of my symptoms. It was horrendous, hard to live with, hard to explain to others and hard to be understood which impacted the PTSD further. Its a disorder you cannot see; I had no broken limbs just a broken heart and mind, but I was not mentally ill, in the context of "understood" mental illness, which again further impacted the PTSD. I knew what PTSD felt like for me.

In the past twenty years I have suffered two abusive failed marriages from two psychopathic narcissistic men and this has caused trauma which caused me to relive some of the feelings and symptoms that I had previously linked to PTSD. BUT this time I knew that the symptoms and feelings I was suffering were very different. Once again it was so incredibly difficult to explain to an outsider who had never suffered a similar disorder. One of the main differences this time was "that I couldn't trust anyone, especially men". Another difference was, I only suffered the depression, nightmares but had numerous triggers. The triggers, where times, places, smells, pictures, songs and many items brought back memories that spiraled me down hill. I had to cleanse my life of the memories and triggers and destroy anything that reminded me of either abuser. I had to de-clutter my home and mind.

The main problem and stress was the "mistrust" of the male race (and some females). If any gender seemed too good to be true I became incredibly cynical. I had made up my mind that if a male partner could lie and live a lie for over twenty years (first husband) and ten years (second) how could anything else be true and real. I also began to realise that my whole life had basically been one big fat lie. I had had what I would term as a very happy childhood but my sister's recollection of our childhood and parents was the polar opposite. This made me realise and understand why I was so easily coerced, groomed and gas-lit by my ex-husbands. My truth seemed to have been based on fiction; I thought what everyone said and did was gospel, but I was sadly mistaken. No one had ever explained to me as a child that some adults lie or live double lives. I had believed everyone was honest and see otherwise was a real eyeopener and confusing.

So just this past week, after years of deliberation and wondering, I began to research "why I cannot trust". I read numerous articles and digested pages of information for hours and days and none of it resonated with me until I found several sites discussing Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (PTRS). This is me. This is how I feel and see the world. PTRS affects individuals who have been traumatized by physical, sexual, and/or severe emotional abuse within intimate relationships. In PTSD, there is over utilization of avoidant coping, but PTRS involves the overuse of emotion-focused coping. An intimate relationship can mean partner, husband, wife, daughter, son, friend, colleague, any family member, stranger and/or perpetrator of abuse. PTRS means you must be, or have been in, an intense emotional relationship with your abuser and have actually experienced the abuse, whatever form the abuse takes.

Some signs:
Hypervigilence
Insomnia/sleep disturbance/nightmares/recollections/flashbacks
Restlessness/uncontrollable shaking/difficulty concentrating
Anger/rage at the perpetrator
Not feeling safe in the world
Mistrust in intimate relationships/sexual dysfunction
Weight loss
Isolation

With PTRS personality remains in tact and does not include the development of a character disorder or the array of symptoms which characterise PTSD or cPTSD, i.e. dissociation disorder. PTRS develops because of the extreme trauma and would not have occurred if the individual had not suffered the trauma. An individuals image of the events are inscribed in our memories and because of the vividness the memory frequently returns to our consciousness and evokes the same emotions as the original trauma which are known as triggers. Acute trauma that is not integrated into our belief systems or world create a state of psychological crisis. In my case, this has created an acute mistrust of men, males and in fact anyone who seems to "trigger" those same feelings created during my past intimate relationships. 

PTRS, as with other post traumatic illnesses, is a world filled with terror and this causes psychobiological changes. This is two fold, one is we believe our world not to be safe or secure and two, our knowledge about our self and the world around us makes no sense anymore. What we once knew and believed is is not true anymore. This breakdown impairs the ability of those suffering PTRS to maintain psychophysiological stability, i.e. mind, body and feelings are basically at odds with one another. The world in particular areas of severe trauma makes no sense anymore and one cannot trust gut or instinct. A new paradigm has to be found and integrated with self and the world and this is a huge challenge and risk.

Finding the internet site (shown below) and reading this research helped me to understand myself better and why, I originally trusted far too easily and too much and why now I cannot trust at all. It has helped me to understand why me (and many others) are an easy target for coercion, control, grooming and gaslighting. My mind and thought processes are never devious or underhand so I have trouble understanding others may be devious or have a hidden agenda. Trusting someone, especially a man intimately, is so scary for me that I cannot ever envisage doing this ever again. Trusting a man and embarking in an intimate relationship almost sends me into a panic attack and certainly triggers me. My brain says it is irrational but my heart and gut says otherwise. I know it is not the right attitude but I cannot, nor do I want, to change it. This is my safe space. I definitely do not trust my gut or instinct; both have been so wrong in the past so what, in Gods name, makes me think they will be any better now or in the future. So it is safer to just not go to that place. If I have been so far off all my life, shifting my paradigm is a massive challenge for the remaining years I am on this earth.

Further reading and information:

http://theneurotypical.com/posttraumatic_relationship_syndrome.html

I hope this has helped some of you reading this to understand the lifelong implications of severe physical, sexual or emotional trauma on the mind, body and soul. In many cases it is a lifelong sentence.

References: theneurotypical.com / wikipedia.com

31.03.16

The Whistleblower

Update on The Whistleblower:

New Whistleblowing Helpline announced by the Home Office and the NSPCC and the Helpline operated by NSPCC call handlers.

Telephone number: 0800 028 0285

Where you can disclose concerns about a child if you cannot raise concerns with an employer.

Safeguarding tips for whistleblowers:

1. Keep yourself safe; take legal advice/citizens advice where possible
2. Remain anonymous if required
3. Be sure you know who is handling your call
4. Ask where your information will be stored
5. Ask who your information will be shared with
6. Ensure you are satisfied you will be protected as a whistleblower
7. Be sure you have thought through any repercussions from your disclosure
8. Ensure you trust the call handler
9. What qualifies the call handler to take your information
10. Ask what happens next / when the call has ended
11. Request legal support where necessary
12. Request counselling/therapist support if necessary
13 Ensure you have a recording, transcript of your call
14. Take a friend/colleague/witness to a face to face meeting

Any concerns about a child should be reported to your Local Safeguarding Children's Board LSCB) by telephoning the local First Response Telephone Number or calling Social Services or if a child is in immediate danger dial 999 immediately 

Updated: 15.02.16 at 1.30pm

The Whistleblower

In my opinion, and using my ethics and morals, whistle blowers are generally good people with their heart and minds in the right place. Few might not be, but most are. I certainly had my morals, ethics and values in the right place when I whistle blew. And I have tried to do it twice to no avail. I lost my job twice and I was told on one occasion "to keep my mouth shut".

I have worked in the education system in four continents of the world for over thirty years; I am well known and respected in the industry. I am a published author in many eminent professional magazine and websites all over the world. I have helped to set up three schools - one in the UK and two in Africa. I have turned many educational settings in specials measures around to receive a "good" rating from Ofsted in various parts of the UK. I have sat on many very challenging and bitterly sad child protection case conferences and I am often used as an expert advisor in this area. I also managed a Child Contact Centre supporting separated parents to have contact with their children and I am also a trained McKenzie Friend supporting litigants in person. I was the senior education consultant at the National Association for Gifted Children in the UK and worked as the SEN coordinator, Gifted and Talented Coordinator and Reception teacher in an International School in the Middle East. I was an early years teacher for six years in the USA. I have assisted various schools with writing their policies and procedures and I now train staff in schools all over the UK and deliver an educational charter for a eminent training company in the UK.

I don't tell you all this to brag. I tell you this to qualify my knowledge and experience and to give you a flavour of my background. You can read more on my LinkedIn Profile is you so desire.

So...I feel I know how and when to recognise bad or illegal practice in education at all levels. So when I reported same to the authorities and was told "to keep my mouth shut" or "pretend it didn't happen" or "sorry we cannot help you" you can imagine how horrified I was. I was made out to be the "bad guy"; I was made to take the blame for voicing my concerns. I was asked to forget the situation and carry on or "maybe I should consider resigning quietly or be sacked".

I resigned in all three cases. My life at work was made so uncomfortable and difficult that I had no option. I visited a lawyer but was advised that I should just "go quietly" as in all three cases the establishments had the money and power to pursue me through the courts to the bitter end. Legally I was advised that I would undergo undue stress at a very vulnerable time and possibly come out with nothing, not even a couple of grand. It was extremely distasteful at its best.

It was never about the money. It was never about a payout. It was about unethical and illegal behaviours and practices that put children's lives in danger. It was about "my duty of care" as a qualified and moral practitioner with a deep sense of right and wrong. It was about keeping children safe. It was about safeguarding practices. It was about being true to my values, morals and ethics. But I got no sense of justice as I resigned and walked away "because" of money and power. You see the establishments wagged their finger at me, threatened me and used money and power to ensure someone like me was never a thorn in their side again. 

I am not alone in this. There are many out there who have attempted to do the right thing in a variety of businesses and establishments and have either had to walk away or been threatened, imprisoned, exiled, stalked, harassed, assaulted or even murdered. It's scary to whistle blow; it's not something someone does on a whim. Whistle blowers are, generally, brave courageous people willing to take a risk and put others before themselves. Whistle blowers put themselves out there and know the risk they are taking to themselves, their families and associates, but they have high moral codes and cannot operate knowing others human rights are suffering and no one is wiling to speak up and out. Where is the outrage? Where is your outrage? Where is societies outrage?

This post has not been easy for me to write; but I have wanted to write it for a long time. It has gone over and over in my mind for years. When I see whistle blowers ostracised or imprisoned in the press or on the internet it makes me angry and sad. It's time we took a different approach to these individuals who are trying to do the right thing. It's time we listened and believed the concerns these individuals have to report. It's time we had a system where whistle blowers are protected and safe to report. And it's time to value the human rights of the individuals who are doing the right thing to safeguard vulnerable children, young people and adults in establishments where those employees and employers "have a duty of care" to do so.

It's is time we had mandatory reporting in regulated activities in order that individuals feel safe to report and will be given protection and will not loose their jobs for doing the right thing morally and ethically.

I thought this was fundamental to a democracy?

So will you do the right thing in the future, give it some thought and spare a thought for those who have tried and lost, but suffer the trauma, loss of family and employment, homelessness, addictions, depression and for some, suicide. This type of trauma and suffering in the name of morals is damaging and lasts a lifetime. We need to pull together and end the stereotyping of "all whistle blowers are after an easy buck" not so in my case, not so at all.


Working Together to Safeguard Children https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/419595/Working_Together_to_Safeguard_Children.pdf

Keeping Children Safe in Education
https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/447595/KCSIE_July_2015.pdf


@mandatenow - Why the NSPCC / Home Office Helpline won't work by Mandate Now:
www.mandatenow.org.uk

http://mandatenow.org.uk/nspcc-whistling-home-office-tune-to-child-protection-inertia/

WhistleBlowersUK @WBUK2014
@jonathanwest_
@ofstednews
@victimsupport
Victim Blaming @EVB_now


@ed2inspire
elainehook@hotmail.com
10.02.16  

My Mental Health

UPDATE: In the light of the #LondonMarathon2017 today and the #HeadsMatter mental health campaign I was compelled to add an update to this post. I have suffered four breakdowns and cPTSD, Depression and symptomatic alcoholism in the past which have all been traumatic in their own way, for different reasons and on a variety of levels but the scars these challenges have left ensure I am alive, strong and have made miraculous steps in recovery. The stigma around all mental health challenges is still huge but by talking about our own journeys and raising awareness we all can help begin to break the stigma. Even though I have suffered various forms of mental health issues, I am still a human being and it doesn't define me or change who I am, I am still Elaine. You are still you. Having suffered in this way has deepened my compassion and made me who I am today. Without these experiences I would not be able to do the counseling, mentoring and advocacy work I do as well as I do.
_______________________________________________________________

It's mental health awareness day today (among other awareness days today) and it brought to mind the past present and future of my own life with mental health and how I have managed it and what support I have received over the years and, I realise, it's not much.

A second thought that came to my mind on this important MH awareness day is that is has happened to fall on Pancake Day or Shrove Tuesday and that made me think of my past mental health and what others might be feeling and suffering today.

You see thirty years ago any family holiday would have been very traumatising for me as I would have to pretend, could not be myself, must behave, must play happy families, must cook a huge family meal and keep my mouth shut. I am sure there are many out there, male and female, who can relate to what I am saying. Domestic abuse and violence happens to all ages, races, genders, upbringings and backgrounds and it happens "behind closed doors." 

When my mental health was at its lowest "holidays" and "family events" were extremely stressful and triggering. There was an expectation that I would be a certain person and behave a certain way so I trained myself to keep quiet, to never react. I trained myself to have no opinion. I trained myself to show no feelings and I trained myself to not feel anything. I would talk to myself in my head saying, "do not speak", "do not react", "do not show you are scared". I became good at it, no actually I was excellent at it for many years. Eventually, it became second nature and I didn't have to "speak to myself" in my head, somehow it just happened and I lost confidence, my self esteem was zilch and I looked like a "zombie". I just functioned enough to get by and take care of my daughter. The world was a fog and I was so depressed I hoped I would pass away in my sleep.

Thirty years ago there was no help for someone like me, as someone suffering domestic abuse. It was literally classed "as a domestic dispute" by the police and they didn't even attend the house. I was lucky if I even got a reference number for the reports I made. No one discussed abuse or mental health so I had no idea where to go for help and I was ashamed of my husband and my life and I was ashamed to tell family and friends. "This sort of thing didn't happen in my family". I actually didn't want to tell My Story. But twenty or so years later, My Story is written and published to assist others to speak out about abuse and mental health and to ask for help. It's here on this blog, and published by domesticviolenceuk.org and My Story of Recovery is published by hestia.org

So this morning as I sat and thought about mental health awareness day falling on Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Day) I was struck by how there are no more triggers for me on special occasions but many others will be suffering out there today. I was struck by how it's exciting and a pleasure to make pancakes for daughter today and I can really enjoy and savour the flavours and textures of a huge plate of yummy pancakes but many others will not be able to. I was struck with how lucky I am right now to have peace and contentment in my life with no stress but many other will not. The future (after thirty years) is brighter for me but for others it is not.

We must talk about mental health; we must talk about domestic abuse and violence. We must talk about any form of abuse to anyone - boy, girl; woman, man; mum, dad, brother, sister; husband, wife; cousins, friends - anyone, cause right now many are scared and hurting as I write this post. Too scared to tell anyone in case they are judged or stereotyped. Too scared to talk in case they are not believed. Too scared to flee cause they have nowhere safe to go.

We must also care and support child and young people who may be witnessing domestic abuse and/or violence. This is neglect and abuse of a child or young person. Trauma lasts a lifetime; it takes years to undo, if ever. Abuse and trauma leads to other addictions and illnesses, e.g. PTSD and cPTSD. I have a tiny golden nugget of trauma tucked away at the base of my brain that can never be healed but these days it doesn't surface as often and it's not triggered as often. But yes, still after thirty plus years, I get triggered and I still feel trauma. I am not ashamed any more and I am able to admit it and talk about it (sometimes). I don't think it will ever go away, but it will reduce gradually over time to the size of a pea and then a pin head, and that's OK.

So for the sake of our children let's talk about mental health and abuse, let's shout about it, let's rage about it. Let's ensure children get the help, support and guidance they need for a better future for our children. My daughter did not receive the support she should have and she deserved better. She was not to blame; she was an innocent victim of my domestic abuse and today all children deserve mental health support and appropriate counselling and therapy.

So today and all days, let's spare a thought or two (at least) for those who are suffering at the hands of an abuser somewhere on the globe (not just the UK). Whose lives are wretched and scary and for those who cant ask for help for whatever the reason. Let's spare a trillion thoughts for those who can't be true to themselves on holidays or, in fact, any day. Let's pray that one day sooner rather than later, we have a society not ashamed by mental health and abuse and we put strategies in place to help those who suffer at the hands, mouths and minds of abusers. AMEN.

www.samaritans.org
www.mind.org
www.youngminds.org
www.sane.org
www.time-to-talk.org

#mentalhealthawarenessweek
#domesticabuse
#domesticviolence
#STOPvawg
#itsnotok

@ed2inspire
elainehook@hotmail.com
09.02.16

What is Consent?

Consent is defined by section 74 Sexual Offences Act 2003. Someone consents to vaginal, anal or oral penetration only if s/he agrees by choice to that penetration and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice. Consent to sexual activity may be given to one sort of sexual activity but not another, e.g.to vaginal but not anal sex or penetration with conditions, such as wearing a condom. Consent can be withdrawn at any time during sexual activity and each time activity occurs. In investigating the suspect, it must be established what steps, if any, the suspect took to obtain the complainant’s consent and the prosecution must prove that the suspect did not have a reasonable belief that the complainant was consenting. 

There is a big difference between consensual sex and rape. This aide focuses on consent, as allegations of rape often involve the word of the complainant against that of the suspect. The aim is to challenge assumptions about consent and the associated victim-blaming myths/stereotypes and highlight the suspect’s behaviour and motives to prove he/she did not reasonably believe the victim was consenting. We provide guidance to the police, prosecutors and advocates to identify and explain the differences, highlighting where evidence can be gathered and how the case can be presented in court.

Reference: http://www.cps.gov.uk/publications/equality/vaw/what_is_consent_v2.pdf

Context 
Context is all important to the consideration of freedom and capacity to choose. It is necessary to focus on complainant’s state of mind in the context of all the relevant circumstances. These will include: their age, maturity and understanding; whether s/he knew or understood the position they were in and what they were being asked to do; the history of the relationship between the complainant and suspect; position of power over the complainant; and, especially for younger and/or vulnerable victims: any earlier provision by the suspect of any gifts, alcohol or drugs; promises by the suspect of a more secure or exciting way of life; insincere compliments and/or kindness shown by the suspect; any other evidence of exploitation or grooming so that s/he may not understand the full significance of what they are doing.

Capacity to Consent
Issues to consider include whether the complainant had the capacity to consent if: s/he was under the influence of drink or drugs; s/he suffers from a medical condition which limits their ability to consent or communicate consent; s/he has a mental health problem or learning disabilities; s/he was asleep or unconscious.

Freedom to Consent
Issues to consider include whether the complainant had the freedom to consent, for example, in situations such as: domestic violence – where a partner or family member may use force or power to remove a complainant’s freedom to consent; where the suspect was in a position of power where they could abuse their trust, especially because of their position or status – e.g. a family member, teacher, religious leader, employer, gang member, carer, doctor; the complainant was dependant on the suspect, e.g. financially or for care. If the complainant was young, was s/he significantly younger than the suspect? Was the complainant old enough to consent? 

Spousal rape is a criminal offence in the UK.

Reference https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marital_rape

Vulnerable Victims 
Vulnerable victims are targeted by offenders for a whole range of reasons, including the belief by offenders that: the complainants are more likely to succumb to pressure or intimidation on them to “comply” with the offender’s sexual advances; in some cases they may be less likely to have “home support” where the suspected abuse will be noticed or acted on; they are less likely to report the abuse in the first place due to their vulnerabilities; if they do report, they are less likely to follow it through to giving evidence; they will not be believed by those to whom they report it to, e.g. the CPS when deciding if to charge and, ultimately, the jury; overall, the likelihood of detection and prosecution is low.

Addressing Myths and Stereotypes
The form of dress a person wears does not mean they should expect to be raped. The majority of rape cases are where the offender and complainant know each other. Trauma can affect memory and create inconsistency. Being drunk makes the complainant vulnerable. It does not mean they were ‘asking for it’; most victims do not fight; resistance and self-protection/defence can be through dissociation, freezing or trying to befriend the defendant – in fact any effort to prevent, stop or limit the event. It does not have to succeed to be an ‘effort’. Late reporting may be due to inability to cope with the trauma of the incident, fear of repercussions, maturity with age recognising the abuse, control of the complainant, fear of going to court. In cases of adult survivors of child abuse the complainant may regress and behave or speak as a child.

Reference: http://www.cps.gov.uk/publications/equality/vaw/what_is_consent_v2.pdf

Here are some red flags that indicate your partner doesn’t respect consent:

• They pressure or guilt you into doing things you may not want to do.
• They make you feel like you “owe” them — because you’re dating, or they gave you a gift, etc.
• They react negatively (with sadness, anger or resentment) if you say “no” to something, or don’t immediately consent.
• They ignore your wishes, and don’t pay attention to nonverbal cues that could show you’re not consenting (e.g. pulling/pushing away).

Get Consent Every Time

In a healthy relationship its important to discuss and respect each others boundaries consistently. It is not ok to assume that once someone consents to an activity that is means they are consenting to it anytime in the future as well. Whether its the first time or the hundreth time; a date, a committed relationship or even marriage, nobody is ever obligated to give consent just because they have done so in the past. A person can decide to stop an activity at any time even if they agreed to it earlier. Above all, everyone has the right to their own body and to feel comfortable and how they use it - no matter what has happened in the past.

Reference: http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/what-consent/

"He raped me on numerous occasions forcing me to have sex because he needed it and held me down even through my tears. He ensured the act was completed on his terms, in his time frame and satisfying his own desires. He was demanding, kinky and rough and did not stop when asked. He showed no compassion for me even when I suffered gynaecological problems and had no empathy or sympathy and was still extremely demanding and rough sexually. When he was particularly vile he with-held affection and used affection and sex it to blackmail me. He definitely got a kick out of degrading me and enjoyed his power of force; power and force in the bedroom definitely turned him on."

See blog post here:
http://averyenglishmrsteacup.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/another-place-another-time-one.html 
by Mrs Teacup: My Story of 20 years of Domestic Abuse

14.01.16

@ed2inspire