I have been Daniel Blake; I was Katie Morgan

Finally, I managed to see this movie and I sobbed uncontrollably throughout. I was Katie Morgan and I have been Daniel Blake. The memories and triggers came back so strong during many scenes that I thought I was going to have to leave the cinema. Ken Loach’s accurate portrayal of poverty and the benefits system was so poignant and acute that I found myself wanting to scream out in the cinema. I wanted to scream “this was me”. I cannot begin to explain how it feels to be so poor you cannot feed yourself, only your children and you don’t eat for days and feel so hungry you eat cold baked beans from the tin. During the movie I had heart palpitations and thought I was going to hyperventilate and have a panic attack, I was so traumatised by the portrayal of a poor single mum just trying to do what’s right for her kids; I thought I would pass out. And no, I am not a neurotic attention seeking Mum, I am real, honest and feel things and want you to understand how very real the I, Daniel Blake meassage really is.

I was Katie Morgan. Single parent, no money, working all hour’s God made just to put food on the table for my child and keep a roof over our heads. I was a Nursery School Manager, working 15 hour days but, alone, I could never earn enough in this particular industry to cover my immediate costs. Before I had even bought food I had to earn £1000.00 to cover my mortgage and utilities. I lost my house to the bank; finally, they took it from me and we were homeless. I have never owned a house since and my retirement looks bleak financially.

I couldn’t afford to pay for gas and electric so I had meters put into the house, but no one tells you they cost more than the usual tariffs; the Utility companies ripping off the most vulnerable and the poor. I asked for them to be removed, but it cost £400.00 to have them taken out; I was locked in and no more 50pence pieces went in, I couldn’t afford it. Like Katie Morgan, we sat in the dark with candles and night lights in our coats, hats, gloves and scarves, wrapped up in blankets with a hot water bottle, night after night to keep warm. Or we went to bed, snuggled up together, just to endeavour to keep warm. My child has experienced things no child should, but we have always had each other and have always survived.

I was Katie Morgan. I still worked long hours but still had very little money for food. I borrowed small amounts of cash from friends every week just so I could feed my daughter and I ate toast for breakfast lunch and dinner. I was hungry and depressed; is this what life is all about? Is this what life should be like? None of this was in my game plan but after domestic abuse, surviving and survival was the only way forward. I had no choice but to show my daughter my inner strength for her future.

I was Daniel Blake. The first time I used the Job Centre I was appalled. The queues and the wait time, then how they spoke to me as if I was a piece of shit on the bottom of their shoe. The hoops I had to jump through to be paid trivial amounts of money. I had to share my private life with the Job Centre only to be told I was not entitled to anything. Because I owned my house and earned too much I could not get anything. I was one of the Great British Public that was stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. I would need to not work or earn less money, be homeless and evicted and then if I was lucky I might be assisted. I complained to the manager of Job Centre Plus three times about the treatment of me but nothing changed. They asked the same questions, made me prove I had job searched and sent me to interviews where it was obvious I would never be employed. I hated how they treated everyone the same. Everyone was put into the same box – scroungers, thick, unintelligent wasters who didn’t want to work – I was appalled to be treated this way, but no amount of complaining changed a bureaucratic brainwashing system – every customer service assistant was like a robot. They had been trained to speak the same language and not deviate from the crib sheet. Job Centre Plus you should be ashamed.

I was Daniel Blake. The stress levels were inexplicable. I hated going to the Job Centre weekly and going through the same process with yet another robotic customer service assistant. In the end, I gave up. It was less stressful to sit at home with no gas and electric and lose my house to the bank. How can that be right? What a way to treat the most vulnerable people in our society. They never did get me a job. I found it myself through sheer hard work and determination, knocking on doors, selling myself and sending out my experience resume. I have worked worked worked to get where I am today and I still work hard. But I also give back and help others because I know how it feels to be alone, scared, depressed and suicidal.

So, my uncontrollable sobs that came from deep within my soul while watching “I, Daniel Blake the Movie” were pent up years of unresolved trauma, PTSD and triggers that were brought to the surface by this great movie. Please do not be under any illusion whatsoever that Ken Loach et al has exaggerated the story line and life of Katie Morgan or Daniel Blake. I have chest pains and trouble breathing just writing this blog post. The memories of those times of severe hardship are so excruciatingly painful that even now it’s almost too much to bear. So, when poor Daniel suffers another major heart attack at the end of the movie don’t be under any illusion that this is “farfetched”. Many have suffered at the hands of the benefits system and bedroom tax and even passed away during the austerity in Great Britain. Dealing with the robots at Job Centre Plus, food banks, mortgage companies and piles of threatening brown envelopes pushed through my letterbox every morning was incredibly stressful. Letters requesting immediate payment, stamped “final bill” in bright red across the middle of the page or opening a court order was excruciatingly painful and I did not have a bean to pay. I was so scared and depressed I gave up opening them in the end; it was easier. The pile grew and became an origami sculpture on the worktop.

I was Katie Morgan and I have been Daniel Blake.

There are hundreds of Katie Morgan’s and Daniel Blake’s still suffering now at the wicked hands of austerity and the benefits system. Many of us are definitely not scroungers or wasters. Most of us just want to survive with the basics of life – love, warmth, clothing, food and a roof over our heads. My basic human rights, yes? And the rights of my child, yes, what do you think? 

I was Katie Morgan only ever trying to do right by my child - just like her. 

And as for Daniel, no one should die due to excessive stress just trying to get help from a system set up, supposedly, to help the most needy to survive and live a fairer life. What a waste of a decent human life; I, Daniel Blake was a special person, he was talented, intelligent, kind and caring. The establishment has forgotten that we pay in during our lifetime in order to get something back when the going gets real tough. We shouldn't have to fight for that. I am no waster or shirker of work and I expect people to treat me with respect even at my lowest point.

Shameful. The system is shameful and disgraceful.

So, my sobs were justified. I not only sobbed for me and my daughter, but I sobbed for all those out there that I know still fight the system, Job Centre Plus, the government, the establishment, courts, judges and justice. I sobbed for all of us that have suffered, and are still suffering, excruciating pain at the wicked hands of these individuals and organisations. 

22.01.17

@ed2inspire

Recovery from Abuse

What does recovery from abuse look like?

What does it feel like?

Sound like? Smell like? Taste like?

How does recovery happen and when?

Can it happen; can it ever happen? Does it ever happen?

Should it happen?

Does anyone have the right to expect it to happen? Is it possible?

I don’t know if full recovery can ever happen. Triggers are there for life, aren’t they? Smells, sounds, people and places, words and music all contribute to remembering. The memories never go away, do they? The memories we make are supposed to be good ones, ones that we can rediscover at times with great pleasure. But memories of abuse and the individuals involved, together with the places and events, haunt us and never go away. They are never far from the surface. They cause trauma, stress, sleeplessness, anxiety and sadly, some rely on drugs, alcohol and prescription medication. Self-harming, homelessness, eating disorders and poor mental health can all affect a victim of abuse.

Recovery is a big and powerful word as far as I am concerned.

The dictionary definition states:

“It is a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength”

And goes on to use the following words to define “recovery”

• ·         Recuperation
• ·         Convalescence
• ·         Return to health
• ·         Process of getting better
• ·         Healing
• ·         Improvement
• ·         Revival
• ·         Renewal
• ·         Show signs of recovery

All the above words are difficult to swallow as a victim of abuse because each one of them only helps us for small windows of space and time in our healing, as we dip in and out of recuperation, healing, improvement, revival and signs of recovery.

What is a “normal state of health, mind and strength”? Who defines this in abuse victims and survivors? Who do we know that is able to define this? I know I resent friends and family asking if I have recovered or “got over it” or saying “you need to just move on”. It is not that simple. Our brains are patterned to remember our abuse, to remember the memories. The shame, guilt and embarrassment are embedded in our psyche. It runs through our veins. Most of us, at some time, have been programmed and groomed to keep the secret and remain silence until we cannot live that way any further.

By the time we have the “return to a normal state of strength” and talk about what happened to us, we are about to burst, explode, combust and cannot live like that anymore. The living a double life, living a lie, keeping the secret and just getting on with life as best we can put a huge strain on the victim and in many cases the family too.  But even after we have shared our biggest encumbrance with that trusted someone the memories never leave us. Keeping the secret is what the abuser relies on; secrets and lies are what abuse is founded on. Speaking out is what we must do, but it's finding the health, mind and strength to do this, that is the never ending challenge for each victim and survivor.

I ask myself regularly should my memories be just that, memories. Are my triggers healthy and do they keep me safe. Do my memories really remind me to be careful about the future? Do others have a right to decide what memories we hang onto and what ones we disregard? Do others have the right to determine when and how we recover? Do others have the right to judge us when a smell or piece of music on the radio resort us to tears or anger? Time and place, photos and restaurants, music and movies still trigger me and regurgitate a memory that will make me sad, scared and anxious, stressed or even have palpitations. I am sure they do that to you too. We will all have different spaces, items and situations that act as reminders and triggers and that’s ok.

So the big question is, can we, as survivors of abuse, ever really and truthfully be fully recovered and returned to a normal state of health, mind or strength or all three.

My answer to this is that some days we can and some days we can’t, that “recovery” is a constant treadwheel of trying and making the best of each moment, hour and day. We can only do our best and of course that is ok. We can only live in the moment. I can’t think of the future and I try not to dwell too much on the past. I have learnt not to beat myself up about the past or the future. No one knows what is round the corner for any of us and worrying about my future makes me sad. Dwelling on my past makes me unhappy too, so I have learnt to live in the moment and try to enjoy each moment of today. Today is the only day I might have, so I enjoy it to its fullest.

I enjoy my home, the air I breathe, the wind on my face, the peace of my farm nestled away in the Pennines, my family and my animals. It is the first time in many years I have actually found Elaine again and can be truly me with no judgements.  No one has the right to say “just get over it” or “you need to move on” because “recovery” is in your time, space and pace, if at all. For some recovery will only come with justice and that can take a lifetime in some cases. Recovery can take a lifetime for us all and, of course, that is absolutely ok too.

Why I can Never be Fully Healed from my Abuse http://averyenglishmrsteacup.blogspot.co.uk/2016/09/i-can-never-be-fully-healed-from-my.html

This blog post gives a small insight into my recovery, healing and my incy-wincy (as I call it) golden nugget that remains at the very base of my brain in order to keep me safe from ever having to suffer any form of abuse ever again. My tiny golden nugget is my safety net and pops into action whenever I feel unsafe or vulnerable and reminds me to be wary, cautious, vigilant and trust my gut.

My Story can be read here:

http://averyenglishmrsteacup.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/another-place-another-time-one.html

@ed2inspire

05.01.2017

Voicing CSA National Meetings for Survivors of Abuse

I have spoken at two of Voicing CSA (VCSA) meetings now. One in Todmorden West Yorkshire and the second in Telford Shropshire; my Todmorden presentation was entitled The Abuse of Power in all Abusive Relationships and my Telford one was The Effects After Grooming. Both presentations are hard hitting, informative and I set out to educate the audience.

I speak about abuse; I shout about it. I am not afraid of the perpetrator and I will never be silenced. To be silenced make me complicit because perpetrators hide behind secrets, silence, fear and threats. I will not play that game and never be silenced or fearful again. Anyone reading this must not be fearful. Narcissists are weak when they lose control over their victim; let’s ensure we make every narcissist and sociopath weak.

Narcissists rely on grooming their victim and all those around them; family, friends and extended family, I call this “The Charming Syndrome”. Most abusers are in places of power and abuse that power to groom their victim. By having a place of power makes it almost impossible for the community and society at large to believe that “they could ever do anything so sinister as to abuse a child or young person”. Open your eyes and look into the cracks and darkest of corners and you will see.

The VCSA meetings are extremely productive, well attended by survivors, deliver a wide range of knowledge from very eminent speakers and certainly raise awareness of child sexual abuse and the lifelong effects on the victims and survivors.

Survivors are given a safe space to share their journey (if they wish) and many do, their stories are heart-breaking. Survivors are also given a safe space to give advice on their own perspective of the disclosure and court process and procedures. This can be very helpful and informative to other survivors who may be going through the court process or are considering commencing a disclosure of their own abuse.

Professional attendees have been Sexual Assault & Rape Centres (SARC), Victim Support and Victim Support Sexual Assault Outreach Centre, the police, lawyers and social workers; many other professionals and a wide range of victims and survivors of abuse. We even motivate local radio and the press to attend; it is awesome the impact VCSA has, and is making throughout the UK.

There is always therapy and support in place for anyone who is triggered or needs a quiet space to think, consider and digest.

The speaker’s presentations can be viewed on Vimeo, Voicing CSA website, Facebook and Twitter.

Up-coming meetings can be viewed here:  www.voicingcsa.co.uk

VCSA’s message is clear: To give survivors a safe space and to raise awareness of the depth of child sexual abuse, rape and sexual assault in all institutions and organisations where children have been cared for, and now attend, in order to make a safer future for all children of today and tomorrow.

VCSA intends to travel the UK holding meetings in as many UK cities and towns as possible to support victims and survivors and to raise awareness of the issues surrounding CSA as well as giving advice, knowledge and information to victims, survivors, agencies, professionals and the community.

Please share this blog post widely to help get the message out there. In the light of the Football scandal being unearthed we should all now be looking at every regulated institution and organisation where children attend and be asking them to consult their memories and files and declare any wrong doing from the past. Child abuse is, and must be, everyone’s business and we must all speak up and out if we are really serious about safeguarding children now and in the future.

The best gift you can give to any child, young person or adult this Christmas (or at any time of year) is TO BELIEVE THEM.

Believe and get the right support.

The breaking Football Scandal is only the tip of the ice burg, this is happening in every corner of the community and society. Remember abusers do not want to be caught or “outed” so gagging orders and payments to be silenced are the ultimate precipice or tactic that the abuser will use keep the silence, secret and fear. So now is the time to come forward and speak out about any suspected or known abuse, both now or in the past. Its time. The brave footballers who have spoken out have paved the way for all our voices to be heard and believed. So don't make this a wasted moment. Come forward to save a child, young person or adult's life.

www.voicingcsa.co.uk

@voicing_csa

Immigration Marriage Fraud

If you don't know how Marriage Immigration Fraud feels let me tell you the devastation one feels when you come to your senses and realise that the love of your life is a fake. 

After 10 years of unconditional love you feel a complete and utter fool to have been sucked into this carnage and mess. How could an intelligent mature career woman have been duped by a man for 10 years? How can this vile man have kept up the façade for 10 years? This behaviour begs all to ask themselves, what sort of man thinks this way and makes the conscious decision to seek out a woman and commit such devastating fraud. The abuser will spend hours, days and years love bombing their victim, then date and even marry victim knowing full well that the entire relationship is built on falsehoods and is some sort of sick game.

Immigration marriage fraud is relatively unknown but extremely prevalent. And the devastation it causes to the victim is equal to complex post-traumatic stress syndrome (cPTSD). When the perpetrator and abuser leave the victim, the after effects for the victim are disastrous. The self-blame, embarrassment, guilt and shame that the victim feels for many years causes life threatening behaviours, substance abuse, self-harming, isolation, exiled from family members and friends, even suicidal thoughts and in some cases, suicide.

I want to make everyone to be aware of this wicked crime and understand that it happens and is going on all around us. I want everyone to understand the sick to your stomach feeling when you realise your marriage has been a sham. When you have invited a man into your life home and family and they have pretended to enjoy the family relationships and bonds. What sort of person can keep this up? I will tell you –narcissistic, sociopathic individuals, even psychopaths. They have no conscience about what they have done or are doing and the devastation they leave behind.

The devastation does not just affect the victim; it affects the family and extended family, the children, friends and the wider community. The whole of the immigration system is put to shame as there is no system in place to check individuals and the individuals are not interviewed by the Home Office with their partner/wife/husband in order to check out the situation. There is no follow up. After the Citizenship Ceremony and the Home Office Interview – the little red book can be picked up. This is when the perpetrator changes his loving behaviours and becomes an abuser.

Consequently, there is confusion and no one feels the same anymore. No one looks at the victim the same way anymore. Everyone around the victim has that look of we told you so or we tried to warn you. The victim can never be the same person ever again. What the victim feels is indescribable. The victim isolates themselves, as it is easier to shut one-self away – then there is no explaining. The victim can never trust men again or trust herself to make good choices in men ever again. Having made such a mistake, how can the victim trust her own instincts ever again? How can you know when a man is telling you the truth? How does anyone know? Perpetrators will tell you anything to suck you into their criminal world.

There is also nowhere to go with this crime. The authorities do not recognise this crime yet. It is hard to prove as always – one word against another. The courts struggle to believe either side – the victim or the perpetrator. The victim is left to suffer the consequences of a criminal gang of scammers and 419ers who target women on dating websites. The 419ers endeavour to target women with money; sadly my scammer picked a girl with no money. Nevertheless, the damage and devastation is no less. I will never get over being scammed, partly because although everyone told me to be careful and no one in my friends or family trusted him, I believed he loved me with his whole being and unconditionally. I believed this relationship was forever and I had found my soulmate and love of my life. For two years he love bombed me.

On reflection, I realise I had not at all. He was just out for what he could gain from me. Knowledge of the British system, a roof over his head, clothes, food and wine, holidays, use of my car, my intelligence to write his CV and job applications and the most valuable little red book in the world – a British Passport. I did everything for him; he asked me to do everything for him. I loved him unconditionally and I wanted to help him and be a good wife – that’s what you do, don’t you? Once we separated he disclosed that I had controlled him – bullshit, he had groomed and coerced me into believing that we were in a marriage – immigration marriage fraud. He is sociopathic, narcissistic and psychopathic. He has attempted to paint me as the bad person, when I did nothing wrong other than throw my tea in his face when he succumbed to yet another lie. That day I asked him to leave. I couldn’t go through an abusive relationship for a second time. It was over and he packed and left. He gets on with his life in London while I have the trauma of picking up the pieces and trying to get on with my life and move on.

There is so much more to my story; far too much to write here. There is more to come. Stay posted to this blog for updates.

www.immigrationmarriagefrauduk.com

www.stopukmarriagefraud.com

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2944306/One-thousand-fraudsters-wed-British-women-visas-not-ONE-deported-Home-Office-shambles.html

http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/145096/Fix-law-to-stop-passport-marriage-fraudsters

28.10.15

@ed2inspire

Why I can never be fully healed from my abuse

I believe trauma from abuse is impossible to forget or heal from completely. Friends and family sometimes suggest more counselling but they don’t understand. You see, there will always be triggers; smells, noises, places, words, music, lyrics, voices, TV programmes, dinners, restaurants, gifts, outings, even Olly Murs new single and more. Sixteen years on and I am still triggered but the size of the trauma from the trigger has reduced over time but will never dissolve completely. How can it? In life something always pops up (just when I think I have cracked it) as a reminder of the suffering, so how can I truly forget. I still can spend hours sobbing over a movie or a number one hit, whose lyrics hit the spot. Or have a terrible down day remembering an evening out, dinner in a favourite restaurant or for no reason at all.

Personally, there is only so much counselling and therapy one can take in one’s lifetime. Do I want to keep going over the same ground sixteen years on in counselling session after session? Do I want to regurgitate my story every week or month? No, I don't. You see there has come a point in my life when no amount of therapy can ever help me to forget completely and there is a part of me that doesn’t want to anyway. The abuse has been part of my life and has made me who I am today. On reflection I have learnt so much from that period of my life about myself and others (good and bad) and I couldn’t do the work I do today without that education.

I know what it feels like to be coerced, controlled and gas lit. I know what it feels like to be duped and lied to. I know what it feels like to become a hostage in my own home and isolated from friends and family. I know what it feels like to live with someone leading a double life. I know what it feels like to be suicidal and so depressed you live in a fog. I know what it feels like to lose trust in someone who should love and take care of you, respect you and support you. I am lucky to be able to feel these feelings and emotions deep in my soul in order that I can understand and empathise with victims whole-heartedly.

The only way I can explain to you is like this: at the base of my brain, smaller than a tiny fresh "Birds Eye" garden pea is a minute nugget of pain and trauma that will go to my grave with me and it’s OK. OK because I can't change it, I can't help it and I have reconciled with it. OK because I can’t live without that little nugget, it keeps me safe. It reminds me to take care of myself, to never submit myself to be abused again. It reminds me to respect myself. It reminds how to recognise abuse and the abuser. It reminds me to be careful who I trust and when to trust and that is not often, I can tell you.

Trust is a big issue for me and I still get triggered all these years on and I don't expect anyone to tell me "that I should get over it or get more counselling" because I will never lose the nugget that keep me alert and safe. Every day gets better and easier but forgetting is not part of my plan. Have patience with me as I work hard on the triggers and memories although some might go to the afterlife with me. No one can forget the abuse they suffered and there is nothing wrong with that. Acknowledging you have the right not to forget is a huge step forward in healing. Even acknowledging it happened is a massive step forward. I can do both now, but it has taken me sixteen years to be in the place I am now; some can never do it and that is ok. We have to remember everyone heals differently, at different places and from different perspectives and that is all ok too. If you have never suffered any form of abuse, you may struggle to get this, I believe you can never understand the coercion, control and manipulation I have suffered; you have to have felt it to get it, which is an irony because I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone.
  

I am now a survivor of that time, I bear the scars of an abusive past although not visible. I am now a warrior as I strive on helping other abuse victims but I can never forget what happened to me (and nor should I have to) but now my past does not cloud my day or every move. The majority of the time I am at peace with my fate and have forgiven my abuser(s) but I can never forget.

So don't judge those that cannot forget, don't just those who still get triggered and don't judge me because I get upset sometimes as memories come flooding back. Don't judge my tears as weakness. Praise me for my strength for surviving the abuse and the resilience me and my fellow survivors have dug deep to find in order to make new lives for ourselves. Many have not survived. For many years I had to dig very deep and I know others who have had to dig deeper than me and some who are still digging. Don't judge any of them because until you have walked in our shoes, down our paths, on our journey you have no idea how it feels to live with the memories, triggers and trauma of abuse.

The best thing you can ever do is listen, empathise and believe, sometimes that is all that is needed to release the blackness that hangs over a victim or survivor of abuse. Being believed is the best gift you can ever give a victim of abuse. The justice system often doesn't. Disclosing the most traumatic episode in your life to police, agencies or a therapist and then not being believed, is abuse on top of abuse. And never stay silent, silence is the abusers best friend and by staying silent you are complicit in the abuse. Abusers use fear and abuse of power in the hope that the victim will never tell. It becomes this big dark secret and the elephant in the room. Abusers manipulate those around them into believing they are an eminent individual and no one will ever think or believe they could commit such an insidious crime. This is called The Charming Syndrome. Believe me anyone can be an abuser behind closed doors, abuse does not have to be physical and leave marks, it can be emotional, mental, financial, verbal and much more. Abuse is abuse when there is an imbalance of power; even a bully is an abuser who is abusing their power over another who they consider vulnerable.

But through it all I believe I am where I am meant to be right now and my tiny nugget can stay right where it is, buried in the base of my brain keeping me safe. Popping up every now and again to remind me to be cautious, careful, to not trust certain persons or situation, to not believe someones bullshit and to ensure that I am never abused again. It keeps me safe.

@ed2inspire

18.09.16

Educate Everyone in Body Safety & Abuse

After a conversation on Twitter early this morning, I was compelled to write yet another blog post as to why, in my humble opinion, it is necessary to educate everyone in body safety to keep all children safe. Body safety must be taught to all age groups and the whole community in order to educate everyone, not just young children. If all adults do not get it, how can we expect our children to get it and have the confidence to speak it and disclose.

My dear friend and colleague Sue Crocombe @shinybluedress keeps beating her head against a brick wall (as many of us do) endeavouring to educate that “children cannot end abuse, but adults can”. It should never be a child’s responsibility to even think that it’s their responsibility to put an end to child abuse of any description. But, in my humble opinion, it is every adult’s responsibility to do their bit to end child abuse; it is every adults business to step up to the plate and do their bit to safeguard children from any form of abuse.

It is every adults obligation to educate themselves with how the groomer grooms their prey and all those around them, that is why the victim is so often disbelieved and the groomer sucks in all those around them, whether it be parents and extended family members, head teachers and all staff, the police, judges and social workers, the community and you and your neighbours. I promise you the groomer will suck everyone in around the victim and that is generally why the victim never tells or cannot tell. I call this “the charming syndrome”.

If we continue to hide our heads in the sand, push the discomfort under the carpet, pretend it does not happen “in our neighbourhood” and refuse to voice it, we are shirking our responsibility to current and future children and somewhat complicit in the insidious crime of child abuse. If we turn a blind eye or turn our heads away we are complicit in the abuse and possible death of a child.

It has been suggested that the NSPCC “Pants” programme is enough but if we still are unable to discuss the topic openly with our children and young people; if “Pants” is as far as we go, children and young people (in some cases) will still be unsafe.  Each area of the Pants Rule needs elaborating on at every stage of a child’s age and development.

Pants are private…

•         Do young children really understand what “private” means?
•         Even if you think the person loves you?

 Always remember your body belongs to you…

•         Do very young children understand this?
•         Do groomed youngsters understand this when they are being coerced?
•         Does the dependent victim get this when they need their substance fix?

No means no…

•        Even if it’s your boyfriend/girlfriend?          
•     Even if you are given gifts?
•        Even if it’s a parent?

Talk about secrets that upset you…

•         Lots of secrets may upset a child or young person, how do they decipher
•         What if they are not told to keep it a secret, but hierarchy tells the victim they must       not tell?
•         What if the grooming makes the victim feel loved and special?
•         What if a young person is in love with the abuser?

Speak up, someone can help you…

•         What if they do not know they are being abused, many don’t
•         What if it’s too dangerous, shameful, degrading to tell
•          What if they are scared and have been threatened
•         What if they have been disbelieved previously

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/globalassets/documents/advice-and-info/underwear-rule-children-guide-english.pdf

Obviously the lists above are not exhaustive and I am playing devil’s advocate, but we all need to play devil’s advocate; we all need to look deep inside this subject area and understand that a groomer does not have “groomer” plastered all over them. They are usually very likable individuals who are charming and abuse their power and charm to win over the victim and all those around them. They are often eminent and in positions of power and go onto to abuse their power in order to get away with their crimes. Remember a paedophile and groomer does not want to be caught.  

Therefore the “Pants Rule” is only the beginning. We have to educate, dig deep, explain, discuss, train and speak out about the patterns of behaviour a groomer will use to get to his or her prey. We have to not be afraid to use language that informs children and young people as they grow and develop. The Pants Rule is only the beginning, education must be life long, informative and at the child or young person’s age appropriate level.

There is no legal obligation for an adult to report, this is another important issue for another day. See this important blog post for further information: 

http://averyenglishmrsteacup.blogspot.co.uk/2016/08/mandatory-reporting-now.html 

Child sex abuse and all forms of abuse are everyone’s business, everyone’s responsibility. If we as a country are really serious about changing the system then we must, I believe, use relevant qualified experts and survivors to train all agencies; survivors have journeys to share that we can learn so much from. When you have been there, you just know, you have experience and information that is invaluable. When you have experienced abuse, you have first hand knowledge of the behaviours a perpetrator uses and that information is critical in training.  

In the long run, safeguarding current and future children and young people from abuse and abusive relationships and educating them in healthy relationships must be our aim and it’s imperative we all wake up and stop pushing the comfortableness under the hearth rug.

@ed2inspire

averyenglishmrsteacup.blogspot.com 

19.08.16

Mandatory Reporting NOW

I have just read Lawyer, Peter Garsden's article in the current edition of Nursery World entitled:

The Time for a Child Abuse Helpline is Now (8-21st August 2016, page 12)

http://www.nurseryworld.co.uk/nursery-world/opinion/1158516/the-time-for-a-child-abuse-helpline-is-now

This article is pertinent, extremely important and timely. 

Much more could be done right now to stop children being abused.

Peter says: "Why should we sit back and wait for  the law to change when steps could be taken right now to help identify people who abuse those most precious to us?"

Currently there is no law in England for nursery practitioners to report suspected or actual abuse but there is in Ireland and many other countries around the world, namely Australia and many States in the USA who already operate a dedicated child abuse helpline.

See Mandate Now  http://mandatenow.org.uk/

Twitter: @mandatenow

Many of us dedicated campaigners have been rattling on about this for decades, I even tried to include it in my article in Nursery World on "Grooming of Children" a while back but was advised by the journalist that nursery practitioners et al had a "duty of care" to report abuse as the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS) is statutory guidance. I have to point out that yes, it is statutory but currently there is no law or legal obligation for any practitioner to report abuse of any kind that would trigger a criminal prosecution (thankfully, just as my dear colleague, Perter Garsden points out very clearly in his article.)

http://www.nurseryworld.co.uk/nursery-world/feature/1148181/sexual-abuse-grooming-children

On 21st July 2016 the Government launched a consultation into Mandatory Reporting, find the consultation here:

https://www.gov.uk/government/consultations/reporting-and-acting-on-child-abuse-and-neglect 

Please go to the consultation and complete with your honest views and thoughts in respect of keeping all future children entirely safe (to the best of our abilities) from all forms of abuse.

Peter also advises in his article that: "Unfortunately, there is also no reason to think that paedophile rings operating in institutional settings are merely a thing of the past. Career paedophiles are organised and persistent and their actions do not happen in isolation."

Paedophiles cross every walk of life; they are not the man in the dirty mac behind the shed. They are usually charming and likeable, often known to the victim and close to the family and extended family. That is how they get away with their crimes and this is how they "groom" the victim and all those around the victim.

Familial abuse is prevalent and leads to children being taken away from families and put into institutions where they are often abused all over again. Paedophilia and paedophile rings are organised crime and lead to trafficking of children and exploitation.

Read my blog posts on: Grooming, Coercion, Gaslighting and Consent

averyenglishmrsteacup.blogspot.com

Books that will educate you:

Exploited by Emma Jackson

Violated by Sarah Wilson of Rotherham Serious Case Review

Girl for Sale by Lara McDonnell

You Can’t have My Daughter by Elizabeth McDonnell

I Never Gave my Consent by Holly Archer

Watch my talk here: https://vimeo.com/176197138

N.B. Peter Garsden is a partner at Simpson Miller Solicitors and 
President of The Association of Child Abuse Lawyers

09.08.16
@ed2inspire