Child Development & Trauma

Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased?

Pluck from the memory a rooted sorrow

Raze out the written troubles of the brain

And with some sweet oblivious antidote

Cleanse the stuffed bosom of that perilous stuff

Which weighs upon the heart

  William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act V Scene iii

Children can appear traumatised for many reasons including being gifted and talented. For some children and young people the stress of being highly able can be a lot to deal with especially on top of other difficulties and trauma in their lives. Take the following as a scenario:

               What we may know:

A young child in primary school has an EP assessment and has been identified with a full-scale IQ of 140 and is high ability in literacy. The child is in the top set in class. Not particularly high ability in any other area. Is bored in school and under challenged coasts and is extremely disruptive in class. Can be difficult, arrogant and indifferent to staff. Has social and emotional difficulties with their peers; find playtimes particularly challenging. Can discuss on a very adult level, asks difficult questions and is bossy and opinionated.

What we may not know:

The child is from a poor socio-economic background, was premature at birth and the mother is an alcoholic and the father has passed away. The family live and depend on benefits. The child is the middle child of seven children and has to help with taking care of their brothers and sisters. Prior to going to school the child has to deliver his two younger brothers to school (which is two bus rides away) and then get him to school. The child’s support systems at home are poor and the child is left to his own devices more often than not. After school this child picks up the two younger children, goes home and helps to make dinner and get the children to bed, then endeavours to do his homework and get himself to bed and so the scenario begins again at 6am the next morning.

If you add all this together and then consider anything else that we may not know, you may begin to see how a child maybe suffering from the symptoms of trauma and how this will impact on their behaviour. If you then add to this the characteristics, traits and behaviours associated with high ability you may then begin to see how the behaviours can be heightened.

Behaviours we may see as a result of ability and trauma:

Disruptive                                 
Fidgets                                     
Precocious
Rude                                           
Competitive                              
Pedantic                                                                      
Passionate                                   
Perfectionist                              
Argumentative                                      
Aggressive                               
Anger                                       
Frustration
Intolerant                                 
Abusive                                    
Unreasonable
Stuttering                             
Selective Mute                          
Dissociation      

When children are traumatised from a young age they can develop Acquired Brain Injury (injury to brain function). Children who are traumatised may find school difficult to manage and the trauma may lead to some of the following impairments and distortions:

• Speech, language and processing disorders
• Learning difficulties
• Distorted education narrative
• Emotional and behavioural difficulties
• Difficulties with social connectedness and integration

Research tells us that adversity prior to birth can lead to lasting developmental impairment and impaired brain function. Such adversity can also have an impact on the capacity of the child to benefit from the attachment process. Impairment can be caused by some of the following:

            Adverse genetic inheritance                                       Maternal exposure to illness

            Extreme deprivation                                                    Trauma

            Toxic substances, e.g. alcohol, drugs, radiation     Head injuries at birth

            Lack of oxygen at birth                                                Complications of prematurity

            Low birth weight

Alcohol is a neuro-toxin which adult brains can tolerate – baby brains cannot. Certain traumatised individuals have the capacity to turn off the pleasure parts of their brain and start to crave mind altering substances, e.g. alcohol, sugar, caffeine and nicotine – to name but a few. Some traumatised individuals show signs of other illnesses, e.g. migraines and headaches, breathing problems, aches and pains and avoidance techniques, e.g. not wanting to go to school.

Human brain development (the useful brain) develops after birth. Very few neuro-connections are there at birth but during the first year of life the brain mass doubles and the foundations are laid in the brainstem to begin to regulate our emotional life. In year one of the development of the baby brain, social interaction is the main influence. In year two those neuro-connections that have not been used and developed in babies first year of life “drop away” and the one that are left become coated in myelin, stay and become physical structures, e.g. fixed and firm in year two and we begin to integrate all the mass of sensory information our presents to us. From years one to four the foundations are laid to regulate our emotional life and from years two to six we begin to establish the foundations for the thinking cortex. It is now that we begin to be capable of abstract thought, cognition, meta-cognition, learning and learning how to learn.

If all goes well we have laid the foundations for development capacity of integrating our physical, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual development. Personality is not a given from birth. If all does not go well…… our brains can be depleted, damaged or injured so that the developing personality can be harmed. With help and support all is not lost and we are never beyond the reach of healing. Primitive patterning can be changed with time and patience of the caregiver, e.g. parent/carer, teacher, foster parent.

If a baby’s attachment needs are not met at birth and soon after, this can affect the structure of the developing brain. Symptoms for a child can be lack of self-regulation, e.g. temperature, intake of food, stress and processing disorders. Many high ability children have great difficulties with the processing of information, e.g. reading, writing, visual and auditory processing; some children with VPD/APD may have poor filters in areas like noise, light, crowds.

Babies are born completely helpless and to survive they must develop a bond between themselves and their main carer/s through scent, taste, touch, sound and the parental gaze checked constantly by the baby. To feel safe the baby must develop a deep sense of safety with their parent/carer in order to become less controlling and develop a healthy dependency.

Older children and young people with unmet needs may seek the attention of their parent/carers and be very controlling and/or very dependent. Children with unmet attachment needs may:

• Be unable to form core identity
• Be profoundly puzzled by relationships of every kind
• Lack any fundamental sense of safety
• Be very demanding of attention
• Be very controlling
• Be very dependent

Children with behaviour difficulties may be suffering from trauma driven by unmet primitive needs at birth – they are NOT naughty children.

Babies and young children require physical attunement with their parent/carer; babies and children need a network of main carer's and bonders in order to survive and develop into balanced adult individuals. They engage in an intimate dance of conversation from birth where their bodies and brains, feelings and thoughts begin to work in tune; this attunement patterns within the baby brain. Attunement provides the blueprint for all human interaction and stress regulation is the first pattern. Young babies cannot regulate stress and unregulated stress injures the brain. When a mother or carer is soothing a stressed baby as the carer’s heart rate, blood pressure and muscles calm, so the baby’s calm. Self-regulation of stress at birth is nil and children who do not have these needs met as babies may be unable to regulate stress. It is important to help children self-regulate.

Children suffering from trauma can be:

             Hyper-aroused                               OR                    Dissociative                  

             (Gifted/Over-excitable/ADHD)                                            (Gifted/hypersensitive/solitary/isolated)

Dissociation reduces pain and creates a coping mechanism for the survival of acutely traumatic situations.

Dissociation – a defense against overwhelming stress where the individual cuts themselves off from conscious awareness of their senses that makes use of the human capacity to split awareness.

Hyper-arousal – a disorder involving persistent deregulated stress.
Attunement – the process through which the infants carer, by mirroring and then leading change in the vitality and effect of the infant, enables the young child to develop regulation of stress, affect and impulse.

Extreme stress causes loss of blood to the brain and this incites rages. Traumatised children often find it difficult to self-regulate mood. Young children are subject to limbic storm rages when their brains are at an unstable point of development consequently they need their attuned carer to keep them safe, contain the rage and reintegrate them. When this happens the adults are role modelling self-regulation patterns and the young child learns:

• To manage aggression
• To manage destructiveness
• To manage anger

Limbic System – A group of linked structures in the brain centrally involved in emotion, memory and the processing of complex social and emotional information.

When children do not develop these skills they may find it hard to manage such behaviours. Add to this the stress and misunderstanding of being gifted and having to manage the traits, characteristics and behaviours associated with high ability and you can then, perhaps, understand the impact of trauma on a gifted and/or high ability child. Many of the processes for speaking our feelings can be knocked out of us by trauma. The child that stands blank when asked why they did or said something often really cannot remember why or what they said due to trauma and dissociation.

Children with positive attachment will generally respond: 
impulse – thought – action

Traumatised children will often respond:                             
impulse – ACTION – thought

This may account in many cases why gifted children tend to display what some professionals may consider negatives behaviours. When working with children how do we know what traumas they may have dealt with in their short personal lives (and may still be ongoing)? Add to this the traits and characteristics of giftedness (which many professionals do not recognise or understand) and it may begin to come clearer as to the levels of trauma in some children within our schools.

Being gifted, or having gifted characteristics that are not understood, can, and will, cause trauma in children which can lead to (or exacerbate) unwanted behaviours. Children who have unmet attachment needs from birth and who are gifted will have double the dose of difficulties. When working with children we need to be aware of these concerns and difficulties in order to have empathy, compassion and understanding of what is required to endeavour to support, help and heal and traumatised child.

Recovery is not quick, but traumatised children can learn to think differently and have healthy happy lives. The traumatised child will need to be surrounded by a secure team of adults who understand and are able to work with the child; a multi-disciplinary team. Trauma disrupts cognitive functioning and some children can think it is their fault, they can try to stop themselves recovering because we do not know how or who we will be once we recover and this can be extremely scary. Trauma can take over our identity and being gifted may be one of the triggers for trauma. Trauma can stop articulation as it turns off the part of the brain that enables us to articulate our feelings. Intelligent individuals can’t articulate under severe trauma or stress.

You will find that traumatised children/individuals tend to stick together because their internal physiology matches and mirrors each other – like minded. Just like gifted individuals understand each other and stick together so do traumatised.

Carers, teachers and professionals living and working with traumatised children are likely to suffer from Secondary Trauma which is where it becomes very stressful for the caregiver or teacher to be in the company or around the traumatised child; they may be unable to continue to enter the emotional space of the traumatised child and begin to share the child’s avoidance. They too will begin to show the following symptoms:

Anger                           
Tearfulness                  
Fearfulness                   
Changes in health

Eating disorders            

Excessive drinking

Substance abuse         

Illness                          

Jumpiness

Anxiety                                

Nightmares                       

Hyper-vigilance             

Change in sleep patterns

Depressions

Those working with traumatised children are the ones most likely to suffer from Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder (STSD). The three key preventative factors are training, support and regular supervision.

Traumatised children need:

1.             Help to develop trust - Affective attunement – soothing, stimulation, trust

      2.             Responsibility - Re-integrative shame – impulse, choice, responsibility
      3.             Self-control - Sociability – self-control, reflection, reciprocity

Appropriate treatment for trauma:

1.             stabilization – safety, explanations, words for feelings

      2.             Integration – physiological, emotional, cognitive
      3.             Adaptation – social connectedness, self-esteem, joy

 Working with traumatised children:

1.                Safety  – soothing hyper-aroused children

      2.             Engaging – stimulating interest and teaching about trauma
      3.             Trust & feelings – learning connectedness
      4.             Managing self – regulating impulse and the body
      5.             Managing feelings – choices and emotional processing
      6.             Taking responsibility – making sense of the world we share
      7.             Developing social awareness – learning self-control
      8.             Developing reflectivity – promoting self esteem
      9.             Developing reciprocity – learning that life can be joyful

You have brains in your head

You have feet in your shoes

You can steer yourself in any direction you choose

You're on your own

And you know what you know

And you are the child who will decide where to go

Dr Seuss

My Story of Twenty Years of Domestic Abuse

This is a story, my words, my thoughts and my feelings which I write to help free myself. I hope this will become part of my healing. It’s about me and only me. My abuser will have a different story, a different version of events, a different perspective but this is my journey, the drama I found myself in, the facts I felt and lived through.

I know now that I am beautiful, kind, warm, friendly, generous and passionate and I don't find that so difficult to believe now. I know most people like me. I am usually happy and I know I am intelligent, creative, clever and inspirational and I find that believable today. But back then I was none of those things…to both him and myself. None of you will believe what happened to me and that I allowed it to happen. The misery and desperation I went through every day deep inside on a physical, an emotional and sexual level was completely devastating. It much easier to write this now having fled and where healing has begun. But healing has been a very slow process, unlike the abuse.

Over a 20 year period, I had come to believe that I was unintelligent and worthless; that I would never be anything or anybody. All I ever wanted was to be loved deeply by the most important person in my life – my husband but sadly this was not to be. I wanted so desperately to be loved unconditionally by him. I simply wanted happiness; not a lot to ask for one would think. I realise now that with this man this was impossible.

I had lived the first half of my life with an emotionally abusive father and went on to marry a mentally abusive man. Both men were extremely clever, intelligent and held senior professional positions in the workplace; both were workaholics. Both were arrogant and had huge egos, were always right and were very controlling. Both of them made me feel that I was difficult to live and deal with and that they were the victims having to put up with me. They both made me feel I was not good enough for them and never would be. I always felt second class and never accepted for the good in me. it wasn’t until much later in life that I realised subconsciously I had mirrored my father in my husband. 
  

Most people are aware of physical abusers, hitting and beating their victims because outwardly bruises and black eyes are visible. But we have to remember there are other abusers, the silent and unseen types, slowly chipping away at their victim's self-esteem and confidence, playing with the psyche and wearing them down mentally and emotionally.  Abusers wear many hats and come from many different backgrounds, they all have different tactics, all extremely damaging to their victim and abusers do not necessarily look like abusers – whatever an abuser is supposed to look like.

My abuser was well spoken and dressed, highly intelligent and moving in high circles of power. We attended flamboyant dinner parties with people of stature and I was expected to behave, dress and communicate appropriately…I was the fluff on his arm. If I ever stepped out of line I succumbed to mental, verbal and sexual abuse behind the front door of our beautiful five bedroomed home. 

I was living with an abuser who controlled me so intensely and by doing so destroyed my personality and confidence and I became isolated, lonely and desperate.  I couldn’t stomach the stress of social gatherings and the pretense and lying and the “performance” I had to give to ensure people thought everything was OK and that I like being treated the way I was being treated.  I became entirely his solitary prey.  Even my mother wouldn’t visit anymore. I was intensely scared of him, he was constantly threatening me and I believed he would hurt me if I challenged him. It was easier to toe the line and conform. I was the ever faithful wife. I lost all my friends and had no one to confide in.  I was ashamed and scared to tell anyone, even my family. I came from a respectable upright family where abuse was never spoken about or contemplated and where marriage was an institution and “you just got on with it” and your marriage vows were for life. No one in my family was divorced let alone abused; why was this happening to me I asked in the darkness every night; I prayed every night for a better day tomorrow.

He got a huge kick out of frightening me; maybe just driving too fast in a dangerous situation until I couldn’t breathe, would hyperventilate and throw up and he would laugh. He knew what he was doing and was unconcerned, he loved the feeling he got from this past time. I could do nothing right from cooking to cleaning, to ironing his shirts to my makeup. As a size 14, I was always too fat and overweight. My driving was crap and I didn’t know what I was talking about.

My abuser was cunning and clever, to the world he was “Mr. Charming” and no one ever believed that he could possibly be abusing me. In front of people, he was always the nicest man in the world, caring and respectful. In the early days, he was clever enough to contain his temper and physical violence so there is nothing for anyone to see, therefore no one believed and nothing can be proved. But as time went on he was unable to control his temper and eventually became physically violent which got progressively worse. Then there was his threatening behaviour and disrespect, subtly making me believe white is black until he confused me so much that I believed I was going out of their mind. I believed I was mentally unstable and succumbed to his abuse further. I was nothing and only good enough to be his puppet.

He continually informed me I was and would be nothing without him. When I threatened to leave he sarcastically reminded me that no one would have me, there was nowhere to go and on top of that, I had no money of my own. Consequently, I believed that my abuser owned me and that my world would not turn without him. He took away my free will; he spoke for me, made decisions for me and allowed me no choices or opinions. He forced me to make professional, personal and reproductive choices I didn’t want and wouldn’t normally make. In amongst all this turmoil, he forced me to have a child or he would divorce me on the grounds of non-consummation of our marriage. He threatened to humiliate me as a non-fertile woman again degrading me and ensuring I felt worthless.

He raped me on numerous occasions forcing me to have sex because he needed it and held me down even through my tears. He ensured the act was completed on his terms, in his time frame and satisfying his own desires. He was demanding, kinky and rough and did not stop when asked. He showed no compassion for me even when I suffered gynaecological problems and had no empathy or sympathy and was still extremely demanding and rough sexually. When he was particularly vile he withheld affection and used affection and sex it to blackmail me. He definitely got a kick out of degrading me and enjoyed his power of force; power and force in the bedroom definitely turned him on.

This sick man criticised every move and action I made; he was never satisfied with anything we did or owned.  Nothing was ever right and he was never thankful or grateful.  He controlled, isolated, threatened, terrorised, insulted and belittled me. He told me I was crazy, a head case, got a screw loose, stupid, dishonest, a liar, psychotic, mentally unstable, should be locked up, put away and that I had a personality disorder. These types of abusers confuse their victims so badly that the victim eventually believes the propaganda being thrown at them.  You feel dirty, humiliated and disgusted with yourself.  The abuser tells you over and over that you are crazy and paranoid.  Mine often said I had a personality disorder and behind my back and unbeknown to me he wrote to my GP stating this.  He damaged my whole being with his mouth, mind and fists.

Thirteen years later I now realise all the above are classic forms of abuse and are more painful, dangerous and lethal than the kind that leaves bruises.  Bruises heal and go away but words and mental torment stay with you a lifetime. All forms of abuse leave deep wounds and scars and I believe you never totally get over an abusive relationship. You can try to forgive and understand but you never forget. There will always be a tiny nugget of damage remaining deep inside the brain for the rest of your life. No amount of therapy or forgiveness can ever heal this minuscule nugget. What happens is, over time, it doesn’t surface as often or as traumatically, the hurt becomes less raw.

There are many kinds of abuse, some of them obvious, some of them not; all of them dangerous and degrading.  Some are more insidious than others; the most insidious are subtle; their victims not only believe them but also blame themselves for the abuse they are suffering.  When the psychopath is really clever he uses all of his tactics and convinces his victim that it is her fault, or that the victim imagined it or that they get everything out of proportion.  These subtle forms of abuse are the hardest to stop because it is obviously harder to see. My abuser used all these tactics with no conscience and no remorse.

I was driven to severe depression and alcohol abuse; I was on anti-depressants for years. Abuse at any time, of any kind, is potentially fatal to the victim.  I became an alcoholic and suffered an eating disorder and the worst part of my situation was I believed it must all be my fault and I must be a very bad person. I stayed; trying to make it right but consequently fed my abuser which authorised him to continue. I never complained, consequently, he didn’t realise how unhappy I was. I protected myself by denying it was happening. It was too painful to admit what was happening to me, too embarrassing to tell anyone and I didn’t know if anyone would believe me anyway. I didn’t want to believe that the person who should be my soulmate and confidante would treat me this way.  I had suicidal thoughts on numerous occasions and I stopped crying because I couldn’t, I was all cried out. I became numb and felt nothing; nothing could hurt me. I had a cold façade and became an asymptomatic alcoholic.  I drank to hide the pain and to be able to deal with him.  It dulled my senses and I didn’t care what he said or did to me. I spent the last few years of my marriage living in a fog, drifting from day to day, merely functioning. I looked twice my age and I was like a time bomb waiting to explode; a prisoner in my own skin.  I stayed out of the house as much as possible to keep away from him which only made for a bad time when I eventually got home.

It was only when I was pushed almost to the edge that I faced what was happening to me. Nevertheless, I had no money, a child, and nowhere to go so it wasn’t easy to see a satisfactory way out. I knew I had to run away but where was I to go and how was I going to finance it. Being abused for me was like a drug and giving it up was extremely traumatic. For years I had known nothing else and I was leaving all my possessions and my home. I felt so guilty breaking up the family unit and hiding his daughter away but I had no choice. After I left he called me every name under the sun, threatened to kill me and kidnap my daughter. I didn’t see my personal possessions again for thirteen years.

No one is exempt from abuse; it can happen to anyone.  The best jobs, schools and backgrounds, low or high incomes are no guarantee there is no abuse behind someone’s front door.  I am smart, intelligent, attractive and well-educated b the t domestic abuse did not pass me by. When I finally plucked up the courage to leave I finally had a good career and a little money of my own.  I would never have believed I would become a victim to a psychopath; abuse doesn’t discriminate by colour, race, religion, spirit or socio-economic background.  It can touch anyone anytime and often when you least expect it.  I never believed it would happen to me; this wonderful free spirited me. Never stereotype or assume.

Over the 25 years of our marriage, I realise he thought he could buy my loyalty, love and affection by giving me a grand home with a high income. He would constantly tell me how lucky I was, that he did everything to make me happy and that I should be extremely grateful to him for everything we had. He would tell me that he went to work to earn enough money to ensure I had everything I desired and wanted. But “things” can never make you happy. I needed love safety, peace and contentment. I live alone now but I have never been happier and at peace with myself and the world. He hit me three times.  The third time I had it recorded at a solicitor and the doctors, as I knew no one would ever believe me and he would always deny it.  His behaviour was the epitome of domestic abuse. 

He almost destroyed me. Eventually, I summoned up the strength and courage to “flee” one Monday afternoon with my daughter after school to a hotel. We hid for days while he subjected us to verbal abuse. The police and my solicitor were informed and our address was made a safe house. We moved around a lot as I was paranoid he would find me. For two years or more I felt he was following me. He never did find us and slowly we accumulated a home again but the post-traumatic stress I suffered was almost as severe as the abuse. My daughter was traumatised and under police guard at school for a while. She also suffered an eating disorder and depression. Thirteen years later we have both recovered to the point where we can live again and are no longer scared of him at all, but it has taken thirteen years. We both have good careers and work hard and take care of each other. Her relationship with her father is still very estranged. 

Today we wear the proud badge “Survivor” and live peacefully in our world.

On Saturday 12th February 2017 I was lucky enough to meet and spend time with actor Chris Harper at the Escape Charity Event. Chris currently plays the role of groomer "Nathan" in Coronation Street. As Nathan, he will go on to groom Bethany.  I spent quality time discussing my own grooming, gaslighting and coercive control with Chris in order to assist him with his research into his role as a paedophile and perpetrator. 

You can read an interview with Chris Harper  in the Sunday Mirror today (12.02.2017) where he supports Voicing CSA and shares a small part of my story here: 


http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/coronation-street-star-reveals-met-9800715


@ed2inspire

I am Four and they say I am Autistic

I like to bounce because I like the way it feels; I like the rhythm and sensorial feeling it gives me. I also like to bounce when I am happy and I like to feel the wind and air as I flap my hands and arms. People ask me not to flap which I do not understand; they don’t seem to understand how good it feels to me or why I need to do it. Why do they not flap, spin and circle?

I also like to circle open spaces, going round and round and round and round. This is another action that feels good and I like the giddiness I feel and the way the room spins and how items whiz past my eyes and brain. People do not seem to understand that this is a calming effect for me or sometimes exciting, again they ask me to walk but they do not understand that most of the time I cannot.

I like to suck on white tac, in fact any kind of putty or tac including play dough. The texture in my mouth is wonderful to me and chewing gum has the same effect. I steal my mum’s chewing gum because I cannot get enough of it and she gets upset with me. She asks me not to swallow it and tries to retrieve it from my mouth which I do not like and it annoys me. This is when I like to scream. I also like to eat mud, worms in fact anything feels good to explore in my mouth. I like to check things out with my mouth. This helps me to understand the world around me in a way that no one else seems to understand. I do not understand that they do not understand. Strangely I do not like squidgy foods only dry crispy ones. I cant explain that either and nor should I have to, we are all different aren't we. All of us unique.

Screaming is a quick and intense way of making the world understand my feelings. They certainly stop and listen when I scream. I also make noises to get another person’s attention or to ask for something. I growl when I do not like something, this usually ensures my peers move away from me. My peers seem to understand my noises even if some adults do not. My words come differently and not like theirs, noises work better for me.

I like rhyming and copying sentences from others though; I like certain rhythms of words and sentences and certain intonations. I only like some words and some sentences and some intonations. Not all words make me happy.  I like to copy adults and find it amusing to repeat what they say over and over and over. I like to listen to music and I usually stand very still and listen hard which is unusual for me. The adults are often surprised I can stand so still. I love nursery rhymes because they rhyme and have a rhythm, it’s obvious isn’t it?

Numbers make me happy. I like to match numbers, line them up, walk on them; my world is one big code. Everything I see and hear has a number code allotted to it in my brain. I do not like anyone to take my numbers, move them or share them. They may spoil them or I may not get them back. It scares me when someone touches or takes my numbers; this is when I might scream again or I move away. I recognize numbers everywhere in the world and repeat them out loud when I see them.

I like anything that flashes, lights up, makes noises or spins. My favourite toys are my number V-tech, my spinning top, my noisy microphone, flashing ball and my iPad. All these items can make me calm when using them or excited. When I get excited about using them I like to bounce, flap and spin because that is how I express my excitement and as I have said before I love that spinning dizzy feeling. It makes me sad when they take my flashing noisy toys away because I am intense with them. This is another time that I scream but also cry because I have no idea why they are taken from me and when I will see them again. They hide the toys from me and I find this distressing because I may never see these toys ever again. I feel anxious that they disappear. I like anything that spins or flashes like the washing machine or an electric fan; I can sit and watch for great lengths of time. The flash of a camera stimulates me and I enjoy the photographer when she comes to school – not for the photos but for all the flashes, lights and equipment.

I tend to operate best with structure and routine and I like to do the same things each day. When routines change I seem to twirl, flap and spin more than usual. Changes seem to upset my equilibrium and brain and I find I do not know where I am and feel lost. On these days I seem to be less well understood by anyone and find the adults around me are just as confused as me which only makes me more stressed and confused.

I love water and messy play. I can spend a long time in the bathroom washing my hands, running the water and watching it swirl down the plug hole and listening to the sound of the running water. It is very soothing and pleasing to my ears and brain. Reflections fascinate me also and I love to look at my reflection in the taps, windows and mirrors. Reflections in windows are very distracting for me and I like to stop and watch but my adults tend to move me on, they are always in a hurry for something I do not want to do or understand. Often, when they try to make me move on, I lie on the floor and go all floppy and that gives me a bit longer with my special pastimes and obsessions. They find it hard to move me when I am floppy and I can enjoy whatever pleasure I am experiencing a little longer. I can be very clever and manipulative, you know!

I enjoy playing with anything messy like corn flour, paint, food play and mud so long as I can put my hands in and move and squish it about. I can spend great lengths of time doing this activity; it feels great and the messier I get the better. I often cover myself from head to toe in messy play. No one seems to mind this which is great and I do not get moved away for a long time. I never want this activity to end. It's one of the things I like very much. Squishing between my fingers feels very good, you see they say I am hypersensitive.

I love technology and am very competent with it. I can become obsessed with technology and refuse to stop using my toys by using my loudest noises. My noises are very expressive. I do not understand why I have to stop doing something I enjoy in order to do something I have no interest in. Technology can over stimulate me and then I cannot wind down or sleep so I cannot use my technology close to my bedtime as I might keep my family awake all night.

I find it difficult to sit down or sit still; I need to move so eating times are challenging for me. I am not that interested in food really. Any quiet time or sitting time is a huge challenge and makes me stressed and I need to circle the room, bounce and flap. The only things I can sit at are puzzles and books but they have to be special books that I love and am obsessed with in order to hold my attention. Generally the Gruffalo book and puzzle work best for me. I am very good at puzzles and can do extremely difficult puzzles for my age very quickly , so my adults say. I do not want anyone to touch them and I certainly do not want to share. Someone might damage or spoil my puzzle or take the pieces and this would upset me after I have worked so hard to complete the puzzle. I like the patterns of puzzles and these patterns become codes too. I can do puzzles without the picture as I see the pattern and not the picture. I also like any puzzle or book with numbers in and can spend a long time counting the numbers.

I don’t really have any special friends I just play alongside everyone. Everyone is my friend. They all seem ok with that. They get on with their day and I do mine. Everyone is kind to me except when they take my special toys but generally the teacher will help me out. The teachers seem to keep a close eye on me and make sure I am safe and happy. You see I have no fear of anything; the world is a fascinating place to be explored and I love to explore everything. I just do it differently to you.