Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Red Flags you’re with a Narcissist

1.    Love Bombing or Quick Attachment – you will quickly receive endless compliments, gifts, a variety of promises and given endless attention, affection and nice gestures. Very early on the narcissist will give you things in order to ensure you are indebted to them and owe them something. The narcissist has shallow emotions and use false praise and flattery and will detach from you as quickly as they committed.

2.    Coercive Controla narcissist will orchestrate the outcomes they desire; in the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviours. As with most narcissistic red flags, the efforts to control are often far subtler than outright abuse; be on the lookout for changes in arrangements you have made or one who always turns up late to an arrangement. Anything that makes you feel nervous or makes you change your behaviours should be a red flag.

3.     Fragmented Family History - Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family and childhood and their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense or don't add up and you can find nothing out about them on social media.

4.    Idol Worshipping NarcissistWhen the idol worshipping narcissist finds someone perfect to be close to they hope some of that perfection will rub off on them and that they will become perfect by association. The fact that no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist take cover once the narcissist realises this as few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Be careful conforming to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely the compulsive flattery might feel.

5.    Too Good to be True – a narcissist is a con artist and when a narcissist finds a target he/she morphs into his/her good self and becomes the epitome of a kind caring perfect friend or lover in order to suck you into the world of lies and deceit.

6.    Moves Around A lot – they often move around a lot, that way their past doesn’t come back and bite them on the bum. They are often in between jobs, just leaving or just starting a new job and have had many jobs. They usually do not have long term friends.

7.    Always Someone Else’s Fault – any indiscretions, failings, lies, crimes are always someone else’s fault or you or someone else made him/her do it. It is never the narcissist's fault. They will accuse you of provoking them to do or behave negatively or abusively.

8.    Financial/Economic Abuse – the narcissist will borrow money from you and very quickly pay you back in order to gain your trust so that when they ask for larger sums of money you are in a false sense of security and are sure they will return the money quickly – but they don’t and always have valid excuses as to why paying you back is not possible.

9.    Lies & Gaslighting – you catch the narcissist out telling lies but they will say you misunderstood, got the wrong end of the stick or imagined it. They are convincing liars and make you feel paranoid, insecure, confused and over write your sense of reality blatantly denying their own manipulative and deceitful behaviours. They will tell you, you are mentally ill and unstable and suggest you see a doctor or worse try to have you sectioned. They live a double life – one with you and one with others – they transform themselves depending on who they are around and you find yourself playing detective. They surround themselves with individuals who have been sucked into their game and believe in their lies in order to maintain their status quo.

10.  Selfishness & Adoration – their demand for adoration is insatiable, no one can fill the void of a psychopaths soul. They talk about themselves persistently and play the victim card when it suits their needs. They are selfish and self-centred and want to be adored and crave fame and fortune.

11.  Insults – enjoys putting you down and flatters your own insecurities. Comments about what you’re wearing and often like to tell you what to wear. They will focus on your mistakes rather than their own and if you point this out they will turn the whole conversation back onto you.

12.  No Conscience – they are devoid of empathy and have no conscience and are incapable of understanding how you or anyone else feels. It is only ever about them. They know what they are doing and get great pleasure from it. Their behaviour boosts and pumps up their ego only to make them more dangerous and vile. They get great pleasure from ruining someone’s reputation and will go to any length to achieve their goal.

After an encounter with a psychopath, most survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance: who can really be trusted?

Resources and Further Information:

Serious Crime Act 2015 - Section 76 Statutory Guidance Document here:

Serious Crime Act 2015 - Section 76 - legislation here:

Coercive Control by Evan Stark / Women at Risk by Evan Stark / Without Conscience by Robert D. Hare / Psychopath Free by Jackson Mackenzie

Written by Elaine Hook - Survivor of Domestic Abuse

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