Monday, 7 August 2017

Narcissistic Abuse

My abuse commenced over 30 years ago when I was just a young girl really and I had no idea what domestic abuse or violence was and had never heard of the word narcissism. I was a young career girl getting on with and enjoying life when I was plunged into a cesspit of abusive behaviours that have had devastating and lifelong damage on me the victim. I now use My Story and experience to help others in similar situations and endeavour to learn as much as possible about domestic abuse and violence and all associated areas.

My own Story of abuse is on this blog where you can read what happened to me and I am also writing a book about my abuse and the effects so I do not plan to repeat too much of that initial Story, nevertheless my abuse was vile and damaging and went on for a very long time and I have spent many years working on myself and healing.

So for those of you coming to my blog for the first time please take a look at My Story and other posts on my blog and please also read this new post I am about to write about the insidious and abhorrent effects of narcissism, narcissistic abuse and a narcissist.

The definition of Narcissism is:
An excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance

Psychology - Extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type

Psychoanalysis - Self-centeredness arising from the failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder

The definition of a Narcissist is:
 A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves
"Narcissists who think the world revolves around them"

The definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
 The hallmarks of NPD are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also concentrate on grandiose fantasies e.g. their own success, beauty, brilliance and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships. 

People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior or special, and often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way. This association enhances their self-esteem, which is typically quite fragile underneath the surface. Individuals with NPD seek excessive admiration and attention in order to know that others think highly of them. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat and may be left feeling humiliated or empty when they experience an "injury" in the form of criticism or rejection. 
Unfortunately, I have been exposed to several Narcissists who have been extremely damaging individuals; grandiose, conceited, self-centered, self-absorbed and in love with their own idealized self- image.

Recently I was unlucky enough to come into contact with a narcissist and his “gang” of narcissists who tried desperately to discredit me and smear my highly reputed professional reputation for their own idealized self-image and professional gain. This is gaslighting, grooming and an abuse of power and is about greed and believing you are better than others and above those around you.

This recent Narcissist was a conversation hoarder, always talking about himself, speaking over me and interrupting me and not listening to me and my Story. He also violated boundaries and did not understand social norms and then told lies about me and tried to twist the truth by blaming me – this is gaslighting those around him in order that he didn’t crack or lose the mask that is his idealized self-image. You see a Narcissist cannot cope if anyone gets under or behind the idealized-self mask and if you do they will turn it around onto their victim and gaslight in order that you feel you are crazy or going insane. A Narcissist once caught out will do anything to save face; they have no empathy, conscience or feelings as to how this impacts the victim and their mental health.

Narcissists suffer False Image Projection and do many things to impress those around them to make themselves feel good. A narcissist uses people, objects, status and accomplishments (or not) without conscience in order to look and feel good about themselves; it is always only ever about them. A narcissist will use you romantically, sexually, socially, financially, materially, professionally, academically or culturally for their own gain (and this list is not exhaustive). It is only ever about the Narcissist being worthy of everyone’s admiration and acceptance. All the narcissists I have known display these traits and behaviours and used me and my good nature and taken me for granted, I am sure many of you can relate to what I am saying.

Narcissists have a sense of entitlement and expect preferential treatment and to be centre of attention. They are charming and charismatic and smooth talkers. They will often groom with love bombing and gifts to suck you in, once you are in their clutches the tables will turn and they will blame you, lie to you and take no responsibility for their sadistic behaviour. They are nothing but evil. When they lose interest in you or you call them out on their attitude, language or behaviour towards you that is when you see the real self and they will turn the tide on you and drop you like a brick leaving you confused and traumatised. They have got what they want from you and you are tossed aside like a piece of trash leaving you to pick up the pieces and try to make some sense of what has just happened and what (if anything) you did wrong. In fact, you have done nothing wrong, you have been groomed and gaslit by an evil and sadistic narcissist who has used and abused your good nature, sensitivities, care and kindness and has now left you traumatised all of which can lead to depression and PTSD.

Narcissists enjoy spreading rumours, gossip or negativity to gain attention and make themselves feel more powerful. They will throw a tantrum if you disagree with them or their views; they hate criticism and will respond an argument, cold detachment or ridicule and blame you. Mine recent Narcissist did all of the above and emotionally abused me by using my previous domestic abuse against me. This was a sick and the lowest form of narcissistic abuse and when I called him out on his behaviour he became defensive and even more patronising and emotionally abusive. Narcissists need to boost their own fragile ego, superego and id in order to feel good about themselves.

A narcissist will manipulate by pretending they are the victim and gaslighting and grooming those around them into believing you are the problem and that it is your behaviour that is the problem not theirs. The Narcissist is a very dangerous specimen of the human race and the only way to survive such abuse is to have no contact whatsoever with the Narcissist and try to recover. You may need some form of therapy from a registered therapist in your local area depending on the depth of damage.

Narcissistic Abuse
  1.  Incessantly talking about themselves
  2.  Overstepping boundaries
  3. Doesn’t like criticism; quick to anger; throws tantrums; bullying
  4. Lacks empathy & has no conscience
  5. Is always right
  6. Sense of entitlement
  7. Charming  groomer
  8. Will gaslight you
  9. False image projection
  10. Manipulative
  11. Liar and spreads rumours and gossip
  12. Dangerous and evil
My current and past Narcissistic Abusers (you know who you are) have all shown all of these traits, characteristics and behaviours and thank God I recognised this current narcissistic abuser early enough and stopped it but the fallout has been lengthy and damaging to my mental health yet again and unfortunately has triggered all my past abuse and put me in a bad place. I have asked for professional help and I am on the road to recovery again.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.


From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in Between by Gregory Zaffuto
How to Successfully Handle Narcissists by Preston Ni



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