Sunday, 19 February 2017

Love Bombing – what is it and what it feels like?

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. 

Love Bombing is a seductive tactic that is used when someone who is manipulative tries to control the relationship with bombs brimming with “love” right from day one.

Love bombing is so called because of the constant bombardment of communication from the sociopath.

Love bombing is an all-encompassing exhaustive campaign of flattery that bombs the target with non-stop positive reinforcement.

Ten years ago I was bombarded by, what I realise now was a psychopath, who over a period of two years sent me a continuous campaign of flattering texts, emails and telephone calls. I only met him in late 2005 and this is what I received come January 2006.

Good morning
I am so happy
Knowing you are the woman I want to marry and call my wife

After leaving an abusive marriage I was vulnerable but  I thought, three years later that I was healed and had found the love of my life. I have never received such wonderful words from anyone before. On reflection, I realise we were not a very demonstrative family. Although my childhood was happy, an outward showing of feelings and love was limited and my first marriage was abusive. This narcissistic sociopathic man I had come into contact with online on a dating site filled a void with lovely words.

In fact, I think I love you too much
But you know what
I don’t care
So long as you love me too
Won't ever break your heart
Can't wait to be with you

I was blown away, infatuated and addicted to the words not him. His love bombing felt like love and I thought I was in love. It's taken 10 years and a tremendous amount of work on myself to understand and accept what happened to me. I was duped, manipulated and love bombed.

What lies behind us?
What lies before us?
Are tiny matters
Compared to what lies within us
Remember always that I love you

What greater flattery than to have someone who adores you and thinks you are the best thing they have ever known. What greater flattery to believe that this person believes they too have found the love of their life and they will “love you forever and never hurt you or make you sad.”

Sherlock Holmes was an idiot
Robert Watt was a fool
Other inventors were all worth nothing
Cos none of them discovered you
I am the genius, cos I found you

I fell hook, line and sinker. I fell head over heels in love; I wanted to believe that this was what love was really like. I wanted to believe that there were good people out there and that there was someone who would see the best in me and love me unconditionally. He came over as loving and caring, trustworthy and loyal and he even agreed he had the same values, ethics, dreams and goals as me. As he states in his text above, yes he was a genius, a genius in manipulation, brainwashing and a genius in lying and not only lying to me but also to himself. He was and is a psychopath.

On my honour, I promise to love you now and forever
You are my life
No man wants to trade anything
And I cannot afford to trade you
You are my life
I’ll love you now and forever

He promised to love me forever, "till death us do part." But he didn’t; he used and abused me in order to obtain a Visa to the UK. He became violent and financially abusive, not contributing adequately to the household finances but sending money to his mother, buying clothes, endless pairs of shoes and going out with his friends. I became a thorn in his side and was not invited to visit with his friends.

You are the best woman on earth
The best in my life
You are my world, my future
I love you baby and I won't ever stop loving you
I will hold you so tight tonight

Realising and accepting you have been lied to and betrayed by someone who was supposed to love and care about you is devasting. For it to happen twice is doubly excruciating. I was traumatised and suffered nightmares, flashbacks, depression, chronic migraine, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Post Traumatic Relationship Disorder (PTRD).  He didn’t care, because just like trash I was cast aside, used and abused, thrown to the sharks and had to somehow save myself.

We are two different people
But I can't imagine my world without you
Why do I think about you so much
That it drives me crazy
I love you

The red flags I should have picked up on were the intensity and rapid pace of the relationship.  But also it was the space I was in at the time. This sociopath caught me at one of my most vulnerable places – leaving and recovering from an abusive marriage of 25 years. I also have to reflect on my childhood as my father was volatile and aggressive and there were little demonstrative love and emotional intelligence shown to me who anyone else in the home. I was not used to this rapid and intense love bombing and unfortunately for me “it felt so good.”

Remember love bombing goes hand in hand with gaslighting, grooming, coercive control and all forms of abuse including sexual as well as child sexual abuse and exploitation. It is used to manipulate the victim into believing that they are deeply loved, special and extremely valuable to the perpetrator. Love bombing is not just used in adult to adult relationships but also adult to child or young person and parent to child/grandparent to child. Love bombing is an insidious part of the abuse and is embedded in every type of abuse and forms part of coercive control and manipulation. 

Perpetrators who use love bombing are usually sociopathic, narcissistic and psychopathic and know exactly what they are doing because it is all about them, for their own gain and theirs alone. Love bombing can happen to you whoever you are, whatever gender, sexual orientation, culture, social standing and age - it is one of the basic needs of a perpetrator and forms the basis for silence and secrets as some abusers rely on their victims to love them or fall in love with them. 

I leave you with this email my perpetrator wrote to me in the very early days of his love bombing:

Let me start by saying that I thank God every night since I found you. You came into my life when everything seemed so dark but you provided the light to find my way. I've never been so certain of anything in my life like I am of us. You have totally changed my outlook on life and I thank you for that. I never thought that someone could love me like you do, but guess what? I love you that much too. I feel as if I'm walking over clouds just thinking about you. You make my life complete. I know you've said we could do foolish things while in love, but you know what? With you, I wouldn't mind being a fool for the rest of my life. I love you so much and I know you love me too. I know that others looking into our relationship might think that we're saying too many foolish things but they just don't know how we feel about each other. There's nothing foolish about the things I've told you, I meant every word I said. I love you. I would do anything for you. Today I promise you that I would do anything in my power to be a great person, outstanding father and a loving husband for you.


If this letter doesn't reach its destination, send it to heaven 'cause it was meant for an angel.

Love you loads

Love bombing is also an insidious part of Immigration Marriage Fraud which is more prevalent in the UK than individuals believe and still relatively unrecognised fully by the Home Office and UK Border Authorities. Immigration Marriage Fraud, love bombing, coercive control and every other form of abusive behaviours are very difficult to prove in the UK court of law. 

See my other blog post: 

The text messages and letter shared in the post are the actual love bombing that I received from my sociopathic abuser just 10 years ago. There are hundreds more; I would receive a minimum of three texts per day over a two year period, that equates to a minimum of 2,184 texts – but it was much much more, I have three notebooks full – you see I recorded everyone.


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