Wednesday, 25 January 2017
Ghosts of a Narcissist
Sixteen years ago I fled; sixteen years ago I believed I was free but the domestic abuse and narcissist still follows stalks and haunts me today. It is incredible to me that I can move hundreds of miles away from my narcissist to a quiet corner of the globe, change everything about me yet again, to free myself from the narcissist but the ghost still follows me, tracks me down and haunts me. The ghost seems to sit on my shoulder as if he is my friend and, now and again, thinks it's ok to give me a shove in order to let me know I will never be free.
My narcissist is the father of my child so, I suppose if I am honest, it is inevitable that I continue to hear his name and situation now and again but I did not expect to still be traumatised and triggered sixteen years on. He continues to tell lies about me to family members which still hurt today as if I am still embroiled in the abuse of yesteryear and yet I should be over him and a free woman. But can I ever be truly and fully free? Maybe not? Maybe as survivors of abuse, we can never feel fully free of a narcissist or sociopath when you have children with him. Maybe that just what I will always be “just” a survivor; I survived physically and manage to not get murdered, so I am a survivor but am I kidding myself that I am a thriver or a warrior?
So, today I find myself making phone calls to agencies and organisations that he has lied to in order to alleviate myself from harassment calls. Yesterday he told a family member that I was the only person who could deal with his mother’s cremated ashes held at the funeral directors because I had paid the final invoice. What? Me the ex-wife, paid the final invoice for his mother funeral expenses? What sort of rubbish is that? What utter nonsense. And individuals believe this crap that spews from his mouth. You see a narcissist can convince anyone that he is viable, honest and right. This family member, brainwashed, coerced and gaslit by his sociopathic lies, thinks I am the one stopping his poor deceased mother being interred. Can you believe it? Can you believe any of it? It is unbelievable, stupid and far fetched but he is so convincing and plays the "victim card" that I know people will believe him. Stories like this one have spewed from his mouth before and I have lost good long standing friends due to his cruel lies and gaslighting.
Haven’t my daughter and I suffered enough? How much more does the universe want us to suffer? Abuse, a marriage breakup, divorce, starting over with nothing, fleeing, losing my home, my friends, my husband, my life and then enduring years of financial abuse and hardship, lies, stalking, harassment and threats and now this. Is that not enough? obviously not, his lies continue and bubble up every so often to a point where I cannot take it anymore. Most of the time I thrive, sometimes I am a true warrior but there are minuscule amounts of time when I fall into the deep cesspit of sadness and despair and blubber like a baby. I blubber so hard that I am so scared I will not stop. I blubber so hard that the sobs come from deep inside my stomach. I blubber so hard my soul hurts and my heart feels physical pain. I blubber so hard it feels like I may pass out. Once my taps are turned on it is almost impossible to turn them off. Interestingly, once my tap is full on, my eyes cry freely and automatically for days after, even when I have turned my tap off. The pain I feel is indescribable and no one can fully understand the depth of damage by a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath. I am sure some of those reading this, and who follow my blog posts, will know what I am talking about, understand and feel the same way too.