For 2920 days I loved you.Every single moment of every single day for 2920 days I loved you with all my heart. I stood by you when times were tough and even unbearable. I gave to you unconditionally emotionally and physically. I stood by you even when I had nothing and knew I should stop but I still supported you and I stayed. From the very beginning I forgave you, believed in you and embraced everything about you, even when friends and family did not. I believed I saw something in you that no one else saw, how wrong I was. It was me that knew you the best, right? Stupidly, I gave you a second chance and then a third and fourth and more. I trusted you and thought you would never lie to me again. I trusted that you meant all the promises you made. How wrong I was?
I gave you everything I had, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I gave you so much it broke me, physically and emotionally. I thought if I walked away I would once again have nothing and nobody except a broken heart and eight wasted years. I believed I had no other choice but to stay. I made excuses for you and your behaviour to family and friends. I was too understanding - caving, bending and breaking every moment of 2920 days to suit your needs. I just wanted to make you happy to the detriment of making me happy. I dismissed every red flag, deal breaker and compromised my standards in order to make you happy. I thought you would change one day and fucking love me as much as I loved you. But you didn't. I wanted you to fucking choose me first, like I did you. I wanted you to think I was worth it. I wanted you to care for me the way I cared for you. But you didn't. Your never did because you couldn't.
In loving you, I stopped loving me. I stopped doing the things that I loved and being with the people I loved. Loving you was all consuming. Overpowering. Unhealthy. Loving was hard work and you took every ounce of my emotions and energy; thought processes and being. In doing this I lost myself. I didn't know how to be me anymore. I didn't even recognise me. You need to know I stayed and I continued to love you but I stayed for far too long. So long that I was broken. So long I couldn't function. So much wasted time on you. I ignored family and friends advice and I stayed way too long. In staying and loving you I forgot how to love and choose myself. I stopped loving me and taking care of me. I hadn't spent money on me, totally me for eight long years. I was too busy caring for you. I was convinced I deserved you. I believed all the pain was worthwhile because one day you would love me like I loved you.
But that day I asked you to leave was the best day. I deleted and destroyed everything that was you. All the memories (good and bad) had to go in order for me to successfully choose me. In order for me to look after me, your ghost had to go. In order for me to be me again, you had to be eradicated. This was the only way. Every moment that I don't choose you, I get stronger, happier, wiser, more fulfilled. The day you left was the best choice I made for a very long time. That day, one day, will be a distant memory and one day I will find someone to love me that way I deserve to be loved. But for now, for the moment, choosing to eradicated you makes me strong, happy and wise and the me I deserve to be.
03.04.16
Inspired by the amazing article by Linda Greyman on The Minds Journal http://themindsjournal.com/the-day-i-stopped-choosing-you/
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